Different Days
Things are going to start looking a lot different around here. Since the death of my wife Coleen, I have been searching for many things. Things like comfort, counseling, answers, warmth, healing, and mostly, myself.The process of loss and grieving is complicated and many factors enter and depart as I battle my way through. One thing that becomes more apparent each day is that I am becoming a different person. I am in a process of reinventing myself. There is no way to sustain something as painful as the loss of a soulmate and not change.
Coleen knew I would go through a lot of changes after her and she took steps to help me through that. To guide me. I have met some incredible people since her and because of her who have given me great strength, new hope and ways to heal. These people are in my life because Coleen put them there for me. In each case, circumstances created ways for me to reach out to them or them to me as a result of Coleen’s sickness and eventual death. I do not know what I would be like today, how I would have managed myself without the help and hope they have provided.
My changes to date have been significant with the most extreme being quitting my job. I always wanted to retire and find a different pace, a different purpose besides grinding away at work and coming home tired and stressed. So after some encouragement from several people and a session with my financial adviser, I told my employer that I wanted to retire. Truth be told though, retirement isn’t really what I will be doing. I feel strongly that I have been given many gifts since Coleen left and that I have been left some assignments to complete.
Coleen and I talked frequently about the frustrations of our occupations as I’m sure most people do. She was a licensed social worker and talked about opening her own practice. I wanted to be a writer but struggled with the two most important parts of that: time and topics. Without the 8 – 5 obligations of a regular work day and inherent stress that accompanies that, I have the gift of time. And by leaving some curious notes and messages behind for me to find, Coleen has also gifted me with stories to tell and and tasks to accomplish.
As I write this I am watching the sun rise from a beautiful condo in Florida across the street from the Atlantic Ocean, windows open, breeze blowing, waves crashing. I love the metaphor of the sunrise as I start the first workday of my new career, my new calling. My new self. I feel a presence helping me, guiding me, pulling me to unknown destinations. I have a brilliant sun in my eyes coming through the open window. Coleen loved the sun. She loved the light.