Discovery
Not long ago I had a conversation with my son Patrick. I’m not sure if he was advising me or lecturing me, but he had an interesting message. He said something to the effect that I had all this wealth of opportunity before me and what was I going to do about it. He said that as Coleen’s husband, I had a role that I played for many years and it was a role I was very good at. But now that role is over for me and I can take on new roles. Although I was good at being a husband and provider, who knows what kind of things I could be good at now? Who knows what I might discover about myself?That discovery process started in me almost immediately after Coleen died. When leaving the Hospice facility where Coleen took her last breath, I felt a sense of calmness and peace. It was for her, that all her agony and suffering had ended and she was off to a new journey and spiritual destination. It was for me, that the eventuality of losing her had happened and now my role as caregiver and comforter was over. I didn’t know what would lie ahead for me but I knew it was going to be very different.
And now several months removed from that night, I think back on what has happened to me and because of me. I think back on the discoveries I have made about myself and about life and I sit in amazement. Many people, Coleen foremost among them, assumed that I would go through a lot of personal changes after her death. I’m not sure how many of those people predicted the scope of those changes, though. I have truly discovered a different me. Or maybe I have discovered the ability to create a different me. In either case, I am not the same as I was. My biggest discovery has been about my ability to reinvent myself. When I lost Coleen, it’s true that I also lost a big part of my identity. With her I was part of a couple and even when we weren’t together, we always thought of ourselves as a couple. Then suddenly, that part of me was gone and I had no one to love or think about, plan with, be loved by. I was suddenly single and a little lost.
Discovery is what happened to me as I was healing from my loss. I wouldn’t have been so saddened by my loss if there wasn’t love first. And I couldn’t make any discoveries until my healing process started. Many of the lessons I learned while healing became discoveries and opportunities for new behaviors in myself. For change and newness. One of my discoveries has been my ability to reach out to people and effect them with my stories and observations. I am flattered by those who have called some of my words “inspiring.” Especially when I think of all the ways I have been inspired myself.
I don’t know if Patrick thought I should invent something or start dating someone young, smart and beautiful on that night we talked. He was right about my new position in life, though. It is filled with opportunities and each day I try to make a little more progress on my new path. I can not say that I know specifically where that path will lead, only that it is providing many interesting twists and turns and the scenery can be beautiful at times. It is the discovery road.
