The 18th

Written by RJ on January 18, 2014. Posted in Coleen, Healing, Loss

I’m beginning today knowing what the number is. I have full awareness that today is January 18th. I lose track of the date sometimes now that I’m retired, but I always know when it’s the 18th of the month. I know that days before it happens so I can start preparing myself for the eventuality of it. This is the fourth time it has been the 18th of the month since my wife died. I’m convinced that every month for the rest of my life, I will be saddened when the calender hits that date. I will pause for reflection and wrestle with the emotions of such love lost. I tell myself that it will get better as time moves on and as I move on. And I believe that. This healing thing is frustrating as one day one moment, I feel like I am making great progress only to have next moment destroy me.

I’m thinking now about events that have happened while the date became the 18th for the fourth time since September. I’m thinking about the life that’s continued without Coleen being part of it. What she’s missed. Actually, it’s what we’ve missed without her being here. Coleen was such a life force and catalyst of activity that she had a way of enhancing even the most uneventful events and making them more memorable. I was with my granddaughters yesterday and felt Coleen’s absence very strongly. Being their grandmother was a role comfortable to her, a place where she belonged. The happiness she felt being with those girls was always evident in the big smiles she wore around them. I miss her being with me when I am with them. I miss her being with me when I am anywhere. As much as I felt Coleen’s absence yesterday, I felt her alongside me. I was holding Claire and she felt Coleen’s rings underneath my shirt. She asked me, “What’s that Grandpa?” I told her they were Grandma’s rings and showed them to her. She liked them, thought they were pretty. I don’t know how much she understood but I told her I wear them so I could always be close to Grandma. I always feel close to her, and feel her, when I’m with our granddaughters.

Each day is a slice of life happening that she is no longer part of. Little events take on more meaning when we realize that we don’t have her to share them with. Like when our niece passed her driving test and got her license, she would have called her Aunt Coleen to tell her. Coleen and her sister Karen would have been on the phone chatting about the details of that event and other things for an hour or so. Instead, everyone misses out on that. Karen told me about it, but that’s just not the same for her, or me. Tonight I will be going to a party alone that she would have very much enjoyed. And the people at the party will be sorry that she’s not there because they would have enjoyed seeing her.

Much bigger things have occurred in the last four months that we have not had her here for. Events like my 60th birthday, my retirement, buying a car, Christmas, and a wedding. I am planning a trip to New York City this week to meet someone new to my life. Someone who will become very significant to me. Someone who Coleen should know. We made that trip to NYC together three different times including once in 1981 when we got engaged. I will miss her tremendously, so badly in fact, when I return there this week without her to meet our new daughter-in-law. That is a special event that I would much rather we did together. Coleen worked so hard on Patrick and fretted so about him. She, of all people, should have the privilege of meeting the woman who Patrick fell in love with. Not exactly part of everyday life, more like a once in a lifetime experience. For me, not for her. Not unless I can somehow summon her to be with me. Which I may not have to do. If Coleen’s spirit ever felt the need to be present for something, this would be it.

Today is the 18th of the month again and tonight the waning moon will be 95% full. Tomorrow I will wake up to the morning of the 19th and the cycle will begin again. I’ll be a little stronger by then. Still weakened, still fragile, but stronger. I just know it.

Trackback from your site.