Meeting Semra
I have anticipated a lot of what my future would look like. I knew that there were difficult days ahead, days that would be triggers for sadness and reminders of my life before losing Coleen. Some of those days had already happened and I managed to get through them somehow. Days like my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve had all come and gone. Each of those days and occasions brought its own set of tears and emotion and I know they always will. Just like the full moon and 18th of every month will never go unnoticed by me again. There are many more milestones ahead for me and I am particularly concerned about Valentine’s Day, Coleen’s birthday (March 8th), and our anniversary (June 6th). I know those days are coming. They are on my calendar of grief and I anticipate them.What I can’t anticipate are days like I had three days ago. I know that I will forever encounter new people, places and things without Coleen at my side. I know that my memories of her will have to last me now. I also know that I will always think about her missing those new things I am discovering and how I miss her being with me as I discover them. I still want to share all that with her and expect part of me always will.
Three days ago I met our brand new daughter-in-law. Her name is Semra and she is a very sweet and very beautiful woman. Semra and Patrick met in New York City a year and a half ago and were wedded last month. In keeping with his tradition of not doing the ordinary, Patrick never said anything about Semra or a wedding until he told me last week. I was happy to hear that they were not pregnant. Patrick as a husband is kind of shock to my system. Him as father could do serious damage to me.
I was very excited to meet Semra and welcome her to our family. But I was very sad to do it alone. Before I left for New York I thought about how special that event was going to be. To meet the girl who your son fell in love with and married. And I thought that Coleen and I should have been meeting her together. Coleen would have been so excited. I’m sure that she and I would have started packing for NYC right after Patrick’s phone call and we would have been there within 24 hours. This was one of those extra special life events that were so important to Coleen and I.
Coleen worked so hard on Patrick and worried so much about him. She had such love for him and sometimes over-mothered him with advise and guidance. And with his personality, the more she did that , the more he rejected her advice. Coleen always wanted him to settle in to the mainstream of life. Get a good job, get insurance, get married, have kids. She didn’t get to see any of that. She was patient with him and realized all of that would happen when he decided it was time. She often wondered about the woman who would someday fall in love with him, quirks and all. Coleen said that woman was going to have to be a saint or at least someone very special to love Patrick. I never argued with that point.
When I arrived at their apartment three days ago, Semra was out shopping so Patrick and I unpacked my car and carried in the stereo equipment I brought for them. We had started to hook it up when she came home and Semra and I introduced ourselves. She held out her hand and I took it but quickly pulled her into a hug. I told her I was happy to meet her and as my daughter-in-law, she should expect to be hugged. We settled in, talked a lot then all went for a walk, stopped in a pool hall for some ping pong, then on to dinner. It was a fun day.
As excited as I was about meeting Semra, she must have been just as nervous about meeting me. Patrick would have told her not to be, that I was friendly, but she had to be a little anxious about meeting her husband’s dad. Parents can always be a little intimidating. I think she was comfortable with me right away. I say that because I was comfortable with her right away. She was very sweet and charming. She is very pretty with dark hair and big brown eyes and she has a wonderful Turkish accent. Semra and I had a few moments to speak alone and I could tell how she loves Patrick a lot. I talked to her some about Coleen and showed her some photos and I know Semra will want to know more about her. I will be all too happy to tell Semra about her mother-in-law.
Coleen would have loved Semra. They would have talked about food, family, NYC, books, restaurants, Turkey and lots more. Coleen would have seen the love in Patrick’s eyes and the way he looked at his wife and she would have been very happy about that. She would have seen his wedding ring and it might have made her laugh a little thinking that was something she would never see. Of course Coleen never did see that because it all happened after she died. That last paragraph was just me playing make-believe because it will never happen. Coleen will never meet Semra or hear Patrick say “Mom, this is Semra, Semra this is my mom.” And then break into a huge smile and give her a big hug. They will never cook in the same kitchen or dote over a baby.
Lots of people have asked me if I’ve gone through the “being angry” stage of grieving. I haven’t really felt too much of that so far although some things have angered me along the way. Generally, I have not experienced an overwhelming amount of anger. But this just pisses me off. Much like our granddaughters being deprived of Coleen’s love pisses me off, this does too. These are the things about grief and loss that sneak up on you from behind. These are the types of things you don’t anticipate until they happen to you.
I was very happy and very excited about meeting Semra. I like her and look forward to seeing her often and to her being a very important part of our family. I can’t wait for her to meet Lindsay, the girls and Aunt Karen and I think everyone will love her. I can’t help it though, the emotional impact of meeting Semra without Coleen. Of having the discovery of a new daughter-in-law without Coleen with me to share the experience. I couldn’t plan for my sorrow of meeting Semra without Coleen. I never anticipated it. That day wasn’t on my calendar.
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