Letting Go Some More
I have been influenced by the “Letting Go” reflection that was read during yoga class last week. Apparently it has had some impact on people I have shared it with and I am encouraged to share it with others. It has had significant impact on me as I have taken some steps toward dealing with Coleen’s death that I have been putting off. They haven’t been huge steps but anything I do these days that feels like closure seems like a sign of progress. I believe that by reinforcing my truths, that passage has also allowed me to develop a little further in becoming my new self.Coleen’s nightstand was a constant collection of random thoughts. It was usually littered with books she was reading and notes she was making and various medications. Since her passing, I cleaned that up along with the top of her dresser and removed all signs of sickness. I kept some special items on her nightstand and it had a kind of shrine quality to it that reminded me of her. In a way I wanted to preserve things as she had them so I could prolong her life instead of letting go. That was obviously not a reality but it became my way of holding on to her. Four days ago, I put all of those things away.
On the third floor of my house there is a family room that used to be an attic. It has had many different uses over the years, most recently a bedroom for Patrick during the months before and after Coleen’s death. When he left for New York City in November, the room was a mess and I had transferred some of the more unpleasant reminders of Coleen’s final days up there to get them out of sight. When I decided last week to recreate that room into something usable, it forced me to deal with those unpleasantries. There were two wicker baskets with items she had used when she was sleeping downstairs during her last weeks. There was also a shopping bag from the funeral home which I had placed all the sympathy cards in along with the sign-in book and mementos from her wake. And of course the three poster boards with all those photos on them. I emptied the wicker baskets, put the funeral home bag in a box in a closet for safekeeping and disassembled the photo boards. The room on the third level of my house will now be used for yoga, learning to play piano, and hosting my granddaughters as a playroom when they come over to visit.
I have a closet full of Coleen’s clothes. Before Christmas I washed her winter coats and donated them to my friend’s clothing drive for needy children but I have done nothing with her clothes. That closet is still an uncomfortable place for me. Whenever I walk in I try not to look at her clothes hanging there for fear that I will see a dress or top that will rain memories upon me. Coleen had eclectic tastes in clothes and she owned some pretty funky things which she wore very well. Lots of scarves and lots of colors and prints. My daughter and Coleen’s sister have both told me they would help me go through her things and decide what they wanted to keep. The rest I want to let go of. Hopefully I can get everyone here this week and we can sort that out.
The bedroom Coleen and I shared for so many years is getting a little bit of a makeover. Besides the removal of some of Coleen’s items, I have traded the comforter and pillows from our guest bed for the ones on my bed. It is a more masculine appearance but more than that, it is a different appearance and I like that. I have also decided to start sleeping on her side of the bed and did that last night. That side was mine for a long time until Coleen decided we should occasionally rotate sides. We did that once. Today I will be moving some of the furniture around in there, too. At a Hospice grief seminar I attended in December, the speaker told of how he rearranged his father’s bedroom after his mother passed away. He removed her clothes and belongings and changed the layout of the room for which his father was very appreciative. Apparently, it helped his father in his healing process. I have been delaying that action for quite some time but now feel it’s another way of letting go.
I had another grief counseling session with my Hospice counselor three days ago. Before I went, I printed a copy of the “Letting Go” reading I got from yoga. I thought she might already be aware of it, but I wanted to show her just in case she wasn’t. I ended up reading it to her because I thought it was the best way to present that message. It took me a little longer to get through than I thought it would and I had to pause a few times for composure, but I read it out loud to her and she just loved it. She asked for a copy and I gave her the one I brought. I was so happy to share that message with her because I know she will pass it on to others, just as I have been doing. It will be heard tomorrow for the first time by a group of Coleen’s fellow metastatic survivors. I sent it to my friend Barb who in turn passed it on to several people. Tomorrow she will read it at the metastatic breast cancer support group she attends which is the same one Coleen attended, too. It will have very special meaning there because although the words will come from Barb’s mouth, they will come from Coleen. Just as I first heard Coleen deliver them to me through the voice of my yoga instructor, I know Barb will let those women in on the secret of “Letting Go.”
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