Extroverted
I always knew that one of my discoveries on this journey would be of meeting a woman. In calendar days, it hasn’t been all that long since Coleen passed but in emotional time, it has been much longer. I have missed everything about Coleen including the things she did that sometimes annoyed me. There is nothing I wouldn’t give to see a pile of her worn clothes on a chair in my bedroom or to hear her tell me I’m drinking too much. I obviously miss the physical intimacy we shared but more than that, I miss the daily intimacy that a relationship brings. The everyday things like phone calls, planning, making dinner, and talking about family are some of the things that go into a relationship and I have done little if any of that.Coleen told me to find someone. We talked about many things leading up to her death and one of those was her wish for me to find someone. “You’re going to need companionship. It won’t be good for you to be alone.” Those were pretty much her exact words on the subject. At the time I just kind of laughed at the thought of finding someone after her and the difficulty of that task. Coleen once said, “I’m not everyone’s cup of tea,” and that was very true. But she was my cup of tea and I knew it would be challenging, to say the least, to find someone after her.
I have met with a few women during the past month, mostly through an on-line dating service. I have not met anyone of interest but have learned some things about myself. Of course I would learn things about myself in those situations. My sense of awareness seems so heightened 100% of the time these days, I’m always on high alert for discovery, especially when it comes to me. I am much more relaxed in people situations than I have ever been. People always described me as extroverted when in reality, I considered myself more the opposite. Sure, I could comfortably talk to anyone and could fit into most social settings. But I wasn’t always comfortable inside when doing that. It often felt like there was an internal conflict going on with me trying to be outgoing at the same time my other part just wanted to roll up on the couch and watch a movie. My son Patrick has always had great confidence in me as an extrovert. He has seen me in many environments including at work, where I played the roles of boss and also head salesman and public relations guy. So he saw me in all my roles of life and was impressed with what he considered to be talents of mine.
In the past I would question that. But sitting here today, I very much agree with Patrick’s contention. I am now not only much more extroverted, but very comfortable with it. I was at a musical venue Saturday watching a band and during one of their breaks, I introduced myself to the singer. I talked with her for a few minutes and told her how much I enjoyed her voice and her music. In the past I would not have done that. I would have thought about doing it but I would have talked myself out of it. Later that day I also introduced my self to the band’s namesake and keyboard player and we also had a nice chat. Those are just two examples of me “putting myself out there,” as my friend Rebecca puts it. There are many other instances of that behavior from me, things that happen almost daily it seems. It might just be the way I talk to the check-out clerk in the grocery store or someone at my gym, but it is now a regular and noticeable practice. I am just more comfortable with people and that is all a result of being more comfortable with myself.
That new confidence and belief in myself led to a success story of mine that happened yesterday. I met a woman from Hospice several weeks ago with a very impressive message. I thought her message should be heard by others and contacted another woman who facilitates the metastatic breast cancer support group Coleen attended. I put the two of them in touch with each other and then got out of the way and yesterday, that support group heard the message I thought would be important to them. And they all loved hearing it. That is one small event but I am proud that it happened and that it happened because of me and my newness. I want to contribute to more things like that and I’m certain that is part of my new destiny.
So why wouldn’t that new self-assuredness surface in everything I do and everyone I talk to? It does. I don’t know if people who have known me notice it. And the people I meet now have nothing to compare it to, so they think I have always been the way I am. Which I probably always have been, it’s just that I never knew how to let go enough of my self-doubts to let my true self surface. How easy do you think it is for a guy like me to talk to a woman I have never met? In the past I would have spoken intelligently enough but inside I would have been distressed. In the present, I am comfortable and confident. I think I am interesting and funny and have enough of an edge to keep people just a little bit off balance. I like that. Someone recently told me to look at these meetings as if I was interviewing someone. That I had a job opening to offer the right applicant. I’m not sure I can be quite that egotistical but I do like the concept.
I have rambled a lot on this post, going from dating to being extroverted and back again. They are seemingly unrelated subjects that have become related for me. The point of this is how my character has evolved and I have used the dating thing as an example. Or perhaps the real point is announcing that I have put myself in play and I am quite comfortable with myself in that role. Either way, it’s a sign of progress like when you see that sign on the highway that says your exit is 494 miles away when it started at 750. It’s just all part of the journey for me which keeps changing course and taking new direction. More interesting, more confusing all the time.
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