Happy Valentine’s Day

Written by RJ on February 13, 2014. Posted in Coleen, Healing, Loss

I was walking past the greeting card aisle at the grocery store last week and I wanted to buy you a card. Like I have done every year for the past 33 years in a row. I never liked buying cards very much, especially if the card wasn’t for you. And even when it was for you, birthday cards and anniversary cards were never as much fun as asking you to be my Valentine.

I remember the first Valentine’s Day we were together. It was 1981 just about a month before we took that historic trip to New York City where I surprised both of us by proposing. I wanted to do something special that year and came up with two pretty good ideas. I bought a box of those silly valentines that little kids give to each other at school. I picked out ten or so of the best ones and mailed them to your house. Each on in its own separate envelope. So you got a pile of silly valentines in the mail and you thought that was funny. Your parents thought it was weird, but they thought that about me anyway. I also went to a bookstore in search of something memorable and a little more romantic than that. I found the perfect Valentine’s Day gift. It was a little red book titled “With Love From …” that contained lip prints of famous people along with their signatures. The book was virtually page after page of kisses. You loved it. I found it months ago in the bottom bookshelves in the dining room, dusted it off and put it in much more prominent position among other treasures. Right now it is sitting next to me and I am reading what I wrote in the book before I gave to you.

To the girl whose lips make this book so appropriate … from the guy who’s so glad he met them … 14Feb81

I was cleaning our closet a couple of days ago and found more gifts from V Days past, both books. You always liked books and as much as I would have liked to, I couldn’t buy you lingerie for every holiday. In 1997, I bought you a little book called “Love Letters” which is all romantic correspondence from famous people. I’m not sure how much of this you read but it doesn’t look very worn. More interesting than the content, at least to me right now, is what I wrote inside the back cover. A verse of poetry. Remember that I used to do that sometimes? You never thought it was very good, you were probably right. But once in a while I would hit on some words that seemed right together. In this case, I thought I described part of you pretty well:

She’s gathering information
On a subject strange to me
She’s got magazines and printouts
And her curiosity
She’s got lights on in the bedroom
Informercials on TV
A book of coupons in her car
And a brand new recipe

I know there are a lot of Valentine’s Day cards hidden in the drawers of our bedroom. I had a special place where I kept your cards to me and I think you have some in your top drawer also. I never threw any of those cards away and I never will. I have to ask you something though. Is it okay if I don’t read those cards this year? Can I just leave them where they are for maybe another year at least? I want so to see them again, read what we wrote to each other on the days we celebrated our love. I just don’t think I can do it this year. I hope that’s okay and you understand. I’m doing better but I know I’m still too wounded and fragile right now. Can I save them for next year?

They say the holidays are the hardest. We got through those and they weren’t as bad as I thought. But the next three, starting with tomorrow, are going to hurt a lot. Valentine’s Day, your birthday and our anniversary are all wonderful days, some of my favorites. But I’m going to need a lot of help with them. Valentine’s Day was always special with you, in some ways maybe the most special. I’m just going to celebrate that one for now. I’m not sure how you will celebrate with me, but I hope you find a way.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Baby

All My Love Forever,

Rob

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