Barbra Butler & Barbara M

Written by RJ on March 3, 2014. Posted in Dating, Discovery

I was single again then when I met Barbra. I was recently divorced and was having a cocktail at a restaurant/bar in Cleveland during happy hour on a Friday night. Back then, I fashioned myself a poet and I recall jotting some words that rhymed on a bar napkin. I looked up and noticed an incredibly attractive woman across from me. I ordered another scotch and asked Dennis the bartender to get a drink for the young lady across from me. He obliged but then came back and said to me that the lady said she doesn’t drink alone.

I missed my queue on that but let it go and went back to the verse and the cocktail napkin I was so enamored with. Next thing I knew the woman from the other side of the bar parked herself next to me and said, “Hi, I’m Barbra.” Thus began the most tumultuous relationship I have ever had. Until now.

Barbra Butler and I were either madly and incredibly in love or we were hanging up on each other. We were different in many ways yet identical in others. We both tried to change the other to somehow make things fit better but ultimately, we recognized our futility. We tried though and it took us many fights, discussions and arguments before we finally got to the point where we knew.

As low as the lows were, the good times were incredible. Barbra Butler taught me many things about love and happiness. She will always be memorable for introducing the works of J. D. Salinger to me and for loving my poetry. Barbra had previously dated a musician from Cleveland named Eric Carmen (remember The Raspberries?) and she told me that I wrote a lot better than him. She was a bit of a material girl and I was still part hippie so those parts conflicted. We had very fun times together and tried hard to make things work out. Trouble was, we were too different in too many ways for things to happen for us. One of us would have had to make a significant character change to make Barbra Butler and I a long-term relationship and we were both too stubborn and set in our ways for that.

Barbra Butler and I stopped seeing each other after about eight months, I guess. I hated to stop seeing her but I had to. I could not take the drastic pendulum shifts of our relationship and I was sure that she felt the same. I eventually moved to Buffalo, NY but I came home to Cleveland frequently. It was on one of those weekends when I came back to visit and I was staying at my mom’s apartment. I called Barbra and we met again. The magic was still there and it was wonderful. Unfortunately, so was the friction side and it didn’t take too nlong for that to once again present itself. Barbra Butler and I, as perfect as we were for each other, had no business being together. I did write my best poem ever after our last encounter. It was called “You Again” and to this day, I think it has the makings of an incredible blues song.

So why all the talk of Barbra Butler after all these years? Well, I met her again recently. Only this Barbara used the extra “a” in her name and her last name wasn’t Butler. Aside from that and about 35 years, she was the same. Barbara M was also very beautiful and fun. She and I made each other laugh and we talked a lot and enjoyed each other. The similarities between me and Barbra Butler and me and Barbara M were uncanny. I recognized them almost immediately. I wasn’t sure if part of me was enchanted with the new Barbara because she reminded me of Barbra Butler or if I liked her because she was fun and pretty and seemed to like me back. I learned quickly that she was indeed her own brand of Barbara. We polarized each other, we flirted with love, we argued, we kissed and made up. In both cases, I was unable to make the concessions necessary to advance the relationship. Both women had a clear vision of what their ideal mate would look like and although he didn’t look quite like me, they thought I could be altered enough to fit their needs. I thought otherwise. Both Barbaras were very fashion conscious and dressed much better than me. They both had wealthier financial histories than me and neither of them had much in common with my more alternative, holistic, hippie-ish lifestyle. In other words, we didn’t always have a whole lot of mutual interests. Much of the time I was with the 2014 Barbara, I kept thinking that the fates were doomed to be the same as with the 1978 Barbra. I was right about that. Neither of us was willing or able to make the necessary changes to our character to satisfy the requirements of the other, and eventually and sadly, we parted. Seems that if history has taught me anything, it is that as romantic as things can seem, sometimes they just aren’t right. That can be hard to admit because we are all so damned needy sometimes, but we are better off admitting it than not. We’re better off knowing and admitting than wondering and pretending.

I know that this entire article is uncomfortable. After all, why am I writing about someone I have not seen in 35 years? And why am I dating anyone at this point? And not just dating, but far enough along in a relationship to break up with her. Some might be disturbed by that, others might be relieved and I myself am confused. I just know that Coleen told me to find someone else and to take care of myself and that she was right about that. I do need a relationship, although I need it selfishly right now and on my terms. I’m not yet ready to make any deals or compromises. But at the same time, I need to be in a place where I can release all of my romance, love and intentions to a girl. I held back with both Barbara’s, especially recently with Barbara M. I wasn’t fair to her and I regret that. It’s true that when I lost Coleen, I lost someone very special and I will not be easy to please. That has to be my cross to bear, though. I have to learn not to hold it against anyone. In the long run, we are all just trying to find our way.

I’m not sure if this post is part of the love, the loss, the healing or the discovery. Or maybe it doesn’t belong in any of those slots or even here on this website. Maybe a better description would be “Lost Loves,” “My Regrets,” or “Love Before and After.”

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