Forgetting the 18th
I woke up this morning and had an immediate thought. Usually I slowly enter into coherent thoughts after waking up but this morning I had one shortly after opening my eyes. It was the date. February 19, 2014. That meant yesterday was February 18, 2014 which was exactly five months since Coleen’s death. And I went through the entire day without acknowledging it. I can’t believe that happened.Coleen’s memory was all over yesterday and I thought about her and talked about her far more than I did on most days. I was with Maureen for a massage and we always talk about Coleen. Sometimes, we even feel her presence there with us and that room is a very special place for things like that. I also talked to my daughter Shauna on the phone last evening for quite a while and we spoke of Coleen repeatedly. We even talked about a conference being held in her honor and designing a logo out of the flower Coleen drew that I am using on this website and other places. Shauna did not mention the significance of the date. I wonder if she was waiting for me to say something first or if the date slipped her mind, too? I almost hope she forgot because then I wouldn’t feel quite so bad.
I exposed my writings and this website to someone new last night and talked to them after they read it. We talked all about the life that Coleen and I shared and how special she was and will always be to me. I also went back and read several of those articles myself and got wrapped up in the feeling and emotion of many of them. But through all of those things, I never realized that yesterday was the 18th.
For anyone who has read me here, you know how emotional I have been every 18th of the month. That day has been like a time bomb to me. The only thing worse than that is when the moon is full, or near full on that date. I admit that since retirement, I frequently lose track of the date because I simply don’t need to know it like I used to. That’s why I put any appointment or event into the calender of my iPhone and set a reminder. I didn’t think I needed to that for Coleen’s date of death, but I’m doing it now. I don’t want that to happen again. Or do I?
I have to wonder what it means that I forget the 18th. Is it a sign of progress in my healing that I didn’t fret and get all emotional about yesterday? I spent a lot of time with my memories of Coleen and remembered her fondly with several people. All without being consumed by tears and sorrow. Or does it mean that I am busying myself enough that I am letting go a little bit more than I thought I was? I don’t know. Either way, I don’t particularly like that I didn’t remember and I don’t intend for that to happen again. The perfect day would have been everything I did plus actually remembering it was the 18th. I might be getting better and I might be letting go, but an anniversary is an anniversary. Girls don’t like it when guys forget anniversaries.
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