Sunday with Barbara
I have been attending church on a regular basis since my wife passed away in September. I missed a few weeks in the beginning because I had company and also took a week long trip to Florida at the end of October. Most other Sundays have found me at St. Paul’s Cathedral for the 9:00 AM service.It felt good for me to return there after Coleen’s death. That church is a healer for me as are many of the friends I have made there. On the Sunday I returned to St. Paul’s, many people approached me with smiles, hugs and good wishes and I felt very good about being there. I sat with my friend Liz that morning and felt very comfortable even though I was without Coleen. I had attended services at St Paul’s alone before a few times when Coleen had been too sick to come or those two weeks when she was in Florida at the Hippocrates Institute trying to get healed by a raw diet and wheat grass. Those weeks were different though because she was still alive and I told myself I was going alone on a temporary basis and she would be back beside me in a week or so.
St. Paul’s is sacred to me for many reasons. It is where we went the week after Coleen’s initial breast cancer diagnosis and heard the choir sing like there were angels among them. It’s where Coleen received healing prayers every week to keep her spirit strong for her battle. It is where we renewed our wedding vows in front of our children, family and the congregation. It is where we held the memorial service for my mother when she died. And of course, it was the place of Coleen’s beautiful funeral service.
When I go to St. Paul’s now, I sometimes sit in the pew we sat in and other times I sit somewhere completely different. But I always sit alone. Until this week when I brought a guest. Her name is Barbara and we have been seeing each other for over a month. I had been reluctant to announce our relationship with anyone because I wasn’t sure how Barbara and I, as a couple, would be received in light of my circumstances. In recent weeks, I have been hearing whispers and messages about letting go of the past to make way for the present and the future. I have been trying to balance those messages against my unwillingness to let go of Coleen. For me, it has been a process of taking a few baby steps, losing some ground, then finding some traction and taking a few more steps. One of those steps was bringing Barbara to St. Paul’s with me last Sunday. I had been reluctant for people to see me with a woman not named Coleen but wanted to change that. So Barbara agreed to break the ice by accompanying me to church.
I was nervous about introducing her to my friends there. After all, they all knew Coleen and I wondered what they would think. I did not want to make anyone uncomfortable but at the same time, I knew I would. But I thought if I could somehow seem comfortable myself, it would soothe all of us. I considered Barbara to be my girlfriend but I was hesitant to use that term to introduce her. Maybe in a way, I didn’t want to admit that to anyone, myself included. But in another way, I was proud of that fact and wanted to shout it out.
Barbara and I sat in church in a pew that I don’t think Coleen and I ever sat in. We arrived a few minutes late so we did not meet anyone on the way in. I helped her with the service, held her hand during the sermon and kissed her on the lips when it was time for The Peace. I kept looking up at the ceiling which is a brilliant blue with lights and stars on high. I looked up and thought of all the times I was there with Coleen and the times without her. I thought of the recent times I have been there alone, head bowed, holding her rings in my hand, wiping back tears. I thought of renewing our wedding vows and how happy and beautiful she was that day. I thought of her funeral service and the sunlight shining through that window onto her entire family. I thought of everything that church meant to us. I wondered what she might have thought about me being there with Barbara instead of her. Then I looked to my left and saw Barbara and thought how she was the present and the future for me if we could find a way to let that happen. If I could find a way to let that happen. That day could be the beginning of a new start for me and for her if we let it be. There are many memories in that Cathedral for me, but hopefully, many more to come.
I think Barbara liked being at St. Paul’s with me and she might even return someday. On the way out I introduced her to a few people including the priest, Father Don. For some reason, most of my friends were not in attendance that day. Wonder what that means. I never called her my girlfriend, though. I probably should have done that. Barbara would have liked that. We went from church to breakfast then for a drive around downtown and the waterfront. We visited a holistic exposition that I didn’t think she would like. I was right, she didn’t like it but we still had fun there. We took in a movie and then back to her place for dinner and the Oscars. Barbara and I spent the entire day together and we were comfortable and we had fun. I wondered though, if we could ultimately be happy. We had a lot of circumstances and differences between the two of us and I wondered how we might work through those. Was Barbara the secret to me letting go of Coleen or the reason for me not to?
Trackback from your site.