Authenticity

I was encouraged to develop a yoga practice, or at least do a little of it from time to time, for many years. Coleen was very enthusiastic about yoga and did a lot of it. She frequently encouraged me to try it but I always had reasons not to. Now, I have finally listened to her and I’m learning not only to try it, but to love it.

I always thought that yoga was: 1. for girls, 2. just twisting your body into impossible positions, 3. too time consuming. I was wrong about it being just for girls. There are men in every class I have attended and yoga is becoming a popular training method for professional athletes. I was wrong about the twisting part. Yes there is a large amount of physical activity and stretching and twisting are among them. But so is balance and breathing. There is so much mental and spiritual reward to yoga that sometimes you forget the position you have put your body into. I was wrong about it taking too much time. It’s true that for me attend a yoga class, I need about 2-1/2 hours including driving time. Which is worth every minute, by the way. It is also true that I can take about 30 minutes out of my day and do some yoga from a DVD at home. And once the weather breaks, I am looking forward to being in my backyard, bare feet on the ground, doing yoga postures from memory. Yoga is time well spent.

I was at a yoga class today with my favorite instructor, Felicitas. Felicitas is a wonderful woman as well as instructor. She owns the studio and was a very good friend of Coleen. She has also been very sensitive to my loss and has spoken to me about Coleen several times. Her classes are different because of her experience and expertise in teaching the mindfulness of yoga. She encourages each student to express their yoga as fully as possible with constant awareness of proper breathing, balance and spiritual awakening. I have learned how yoga is so much more than just stretching and trying to hold a posture for as long as possible without getting hurt. It is mental as well as physical and when done properly, a true union of body, spirit and mind. I don’t know how properly I was doing things today but I must have been at least pretty close. There were times today when I felt everything blending and floating to different places.

Felicitas started by talking about one of my favorite topics these days, letting go. She asked us to think of one thing that we should let go of and to think of that throughout the sesson. I thought of two. I keep hearing messages and whispers about letting go of the past, letting go of the things that bother us, the things that are not true to our authentic selves. As individuals, we owe ourselves the ability to define ourselves and to let that self be authentic. Too many times we fit ourselves into a role someone expects us to play. For me, it was husband and provider. But is that what I am? Is that authentic to me? Can I let go of what’s expected and be my true self? As Felicitas guided us through today’s yoga experience, she kept reminding us to let go of that which haunts us and that makes us uncomfortable. Of course, I thought I should further loosen my hold of Coleen, to let her go a little bit further from me. I focused on the releasing of her and the past we had together. I had visions behind closed eyes, visions that started very clearly and then faded gradually into black. I saw flowers, clouds, faces. I felt sadness and sorrow as I let go a little more and let things drift away and I felt tears down my cheeks. I think Felicitas noticed my emotion. As we were concluding, she spoke once more of the importance of letting go and how we needed to do that in order to move ahead. She was looking me right in the eye as she said it and she smiled.

It wasn’t until later today that I thought of the second thing I had to let go of. I thought that by letting go of Coleen, I would be able to embrace a new relationship. I have been seeing a wonderful woman who has become very special to me. In her haste to make me hers, she has asked me to relinquish a piece of myself which I am not yet ready to part with. She has asked me to put myself in a place where I’m not yet comfortable. At first I thought it would be a place where my authentic self could live. But as it turns out, it is a place where I would need to be someone I’m not comfortable being in order to fit. I would not be true to myself or anyone else there. I need to let go of not being my authentic self as much as I need to let go of Coleen. Maybe even more.

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A few years ago, my son Patrick had a website called smallbusinessbuffalo.com where he did interviews with small business owners. One of his finest hours was this two-part interview of Felicitas which is still on the Healing Waters website.

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