Progress
It’s funny how life finds a way of settling in around us. Most of us are in the day-to-day. We plan ahead a little, think about what we are going to do this weekend or next month. We make arrangements for vacations or dinner with friends. And sometimes, we look back and do a little reminiscing and remembering. It’s funny though how life always seems to get its way with us and lures us into a zone of contentment and present where we seem to feel most safe. It is there where we settle into our routines and do most of our living. We are most comfortable when we are not challenged by the things outside of our control.I have tried to settle into a comfort zone recently thinking that it could be a place where I would know what to expect. I sometimes feel like I am getting closer to whatever normal is supposed to feel like, then I run into an unexpected obstacle that throws me a bit off course. Every year at this time I, like all of America, file my income taxes. No big deal, just a regularly scheduled activity that I have been doing for the past forty years or so. I always did our taxes by myself or with the assistance of an on-line service like Turbo Tax This year is obviously a little different though, due to the circumstances of Coleen’s death. I had too many questions about disability, insurance, and death benefits and so I sought out professional help. Today I gathered up all of the pertinent paperwork and met with a CPA to prepare my return. It never dawned on me that in meeting with the CPA and discussing my tax return, I would also be talking about Coleen and revisiting some of the circumstances of her death. I wouldn’t be discussing her health issues or treatments with him, but the timing of certain incidents, the various disability payments, medical expenses, date of death and my filing status of “surviving spouse” all became uncomfortable for me. I took a deep breath on a few occasions just to get past some of those thoughts. And I realized that this would be the last time it would say “ROBERT E. AND COLEEN M. JONES” on a tax return. Under “occupation,” mine said “retired’ and Coleen’s said “deceased.” There was nothing new to any of this. I know she’s deceased. It just sounds and looks different when I see it like that. When the tax guy mentioned that Coleen’s sister and her husband would be having their taxes done by him in a few days, I felt jealous that my wife wasn’t with me too for that.
I never know what will remind me that my wife is no longer living. I never know when to expect the reminders. And I’m never sure how I will react to them. I don’t think I am ready yet for the reminders to stop. I could be in my kitchen, taking a shower, talking to my granddaughters, at a yoga class, or apparently, getting my taxes done. There’s always something there to remind me. The good news though, is that I am not freaking out every time I get one of those reminders. I hate to say I’m getting used to the idea of living after Coleen because I don’t think I will ever be entirely comfortable with that. I can observe that the hurt isn’t as painful as before. It is still there, and so is the missing her. Just not as bad.
Does that mean some of the therapies and healings are kicking in? They actually have been all along, a little at a time. Suffering from DOS (Death of Spouse) is not a condition that goes away quickly all by itself. It takes a lot of work, patience, guidance, counseling and love to get to a place where the sorrow is manageable. Funny, I am reminded of that word, manageable, being used when Coleen’s oncologist described how they would care for her metastatic breast cancer. They couldn’t cure it but they would try their best to “manage” it to keep her as comfortable as possible for as long as they could. It’s the opposite with managing DOS sorrow because you know as bad as it is now, it will eventually get better. I know I have taken bold steps in dealing with my grief and I have made significant progress. Everything I have done has helped and has prepared me for more of the journey. And yes, there is more of that to come. Always will be I think.
I have a few difficult days ahead of me that will be much more challenging than meeting with a CPA to do the taxes. I can think of five of them right off the top of my head. Then after those comes the rest of my life. My vision is that each day will be progressively easier. I don’t know if a DOS victim can be compared to an alcoholic. Maybe that’s unfair. But then I think about someone craving a drink every day and somehow finding the strength to deprive himself of that desire, hoping that the next day will be easier than the last. It is not so different from me desiring something I can no longer have and waiting for the next day and the day after that to make things better. The true similarity is the concept of each day being it’s very own challenge and never knowing where the next temptation or reminder might come from.
I am trying to embrace some form of what life has left in store for me. I will never be the one to just sit back and surrender to the tide. I will always take things head on and try to make a difference when I can. I know I have made some degree of progress otherwise I would have cracked up when I was working with my tax guy.
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