Birthday Weekend
Saturday, March 8th is Coleen’s birthday. She would have been 54 years old. But she’s not. Obviously, I think about that a lot. How can she not be here? How did she become one of the missing in my life? I was recently talking to a friend about another friend who I may never again here from because of a misunderstanding that had little to do with either of us. I said that I don’t want any other people leaving my life. I have already lost enough as far as I’m concerned and I don’t want anymore goodbyes.Sometimes, even after almost six months, I still wonder what happened to Coleen. I wonder how that woman with all that life, enthusiasm and optimism got stolen out from under the rest of us. I think often of the photo I took of her when we were on the Spirit of Buffalo cruise on Labor Day weekend 2012. She already knew she had lesions on her liver and lungs and that they were undoubtedly cancerous. But she never said a word to any of us. Instead, she waved to me as I caught her with my iPhone standing barefoot on the deck of that boat, sunglasses on, Magic Hat #9 in her hand, smiling. And keeping her secret from me and everybody else. I will probably always wonder what happened to her. It all went so fast. Sometimes I don’t even remember what I did to help her. I know I did a lot but I wish I could turn back the clock and do more. I know I could have done more especially if I would have known the way I was going to end up feeling.
If Coleen was still wih us, she would have declared by now that this was going to be her birthday weekend. She always claimed the whole weekend as hers whenever her birthday was within a day or two of it. By now she would have decided where she wanted to go for her birthday and who was going to come with us. She wouldn’t have cared how much it was going to cost, only that she was surrounded by the people she loved and that we had a good time on her day/weekend. I would have probably said something about the money part and her reply would have been, “Who cares, we’ll make more.” I heard that answer more than once.
Many times, especially if she had a new recipe she wanted to try out on a crowd, Coleen would decide to host our family for her birthday. She loved to entertain and to cook for people. That was one of her true joys in life. If she could make someone happy by feeding them, it was a successful day. There was a bumper sticker on her car that said “Love People, Cook them tasty food,” and that was certainly one of her mantras. I salvaged that bumper sticker from her car before I traded it in and it now hangs in my kitchen.
Last month Lindsay brought up her Mom’s birthday and said “What do you want to do, Dad? I think we should do something for Mom’s birthday.” I agreed. We should do something to celebrate that day. How could we possibly ignore it? How could I be alone on March 8 and expect Coleen’s children and family be alone? Especially since this is the first March 8th since her death. I may always raise a glass on her birthday and sometimes maybe more that that, but this will be the first one. They say you never forget your first one.
We thought about going out to dinner at one of Coleen’s favorite restaurants but as the guest list grew larger, we decided instead to celebrate Coleen right in her own house. So on Saturday, I will make lasagna and Coleen’s parents, brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews, children, grandchildren will gather and we will remember her and celebrate her life. I can’t help but think she would like that. Especially the lasagna part. That was one of the few dishes I was allowed to make. She assigned that recipe to me long ago and said I made it so good that I should always be the one to make it. I think she would have made it just as good, but it was a little too busy for her so she delegated that one to me.
I don’t know if its right or wrong to celebrate the birthday of someone who has died. I also don’t know who has the qualifications to decide. I only know how I feel and what I think is right to me. So this weekend is Coleen’s birthday and I will celebrate her life with my daughter, granddaughters and her family. It is an important day for all of us. I may never understand what happened to her, why she’s not with me anymore, where she has gone. I do understand though, how to remember her. I know what she would have liked and how to make her happy.
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