I Am Remarkable
I am quickly approaching the six-month anniversary of Coleen’s death. In fact, it will be upon me in three short days. That will mean I have lived one half of a year without her. One half of a year as a widower. I remember back to the first few days of life after her and how hectic everything was. And I remember all the days between then and now and think about how far I have come in that time. It is remarkable. I am remarkable. I have many more steps to take, many lessons yet to learn. I thought this might be a good time for reflections of my journey. Maybe like some random thoughts I have about things at this point.~~~~~~~~
The bereavement books, articles, and counselors tell you all about how you are feeling or how you will feel as a person surviving their spouse. They tell you all about the canned symptoms you will experience as you attempt to forget the life of your loved one. Your one and only. Maybe even your soul mate. They all talk about grief coming in stages like denial, guilt, depression, anger, and finally acceptance. In my personal world of dealing with death, I have certainly encountered all of those factors and stages of grief. I can’t say in what order they came and sometimes they presented all at once or a couple at a time. They have all appeared with different degrees of difficulty but they have all been difficult. And continue to be. And I expect that will never go away. Two nights ago I awoke suddenly from a sound sleep. It was sometime around 2:00 AM and I had a sickening thought in my head. I am never going to see Coleen again. I was very disturbed by that for not only was it a terrible admission to make, but I want to be passed that stage of grief. I don’t want to have to think the thoughts again that I have already come to terms with. Or at least thought that I had come to terms with. I’m not sure which one of the grief stages that fell into, but to me it fit at least three of them~~~~~~~~
In many ways, I have tried to keep Coleen’s life alive. By talking about her, writing about her, thinking about her, This website started as a memorial, a tribute to her and our life together. My intent had always been to segue those memories into the story of my healing and my discoveries and my life after her death. I believe that is gradually happening although the process still frequently requires visits to the past. One of the biggest hurdles for me to overcome has been enabling myself to let go of the idea that it is my responsibility to eternalize her. I do not want her forgotten. I do not wish for her legacy and accomplishments to get lost. I will always keep her memory alive with my children and grandchildren and perhaps some of that message will survive another generation or two. But in whatever is left of my life, I still have time for more living. The last thing Coleen would want from me would be to settle into a world of remorse and sorrow. She would not want this house to be made into a shrine. She would want to be remembered but not mourned. Today in my bereavement support group, we talked about the legacy of our deceased spouse. Coleen’s legacy will live on in the hearts, values and memories of her children and grandchildren. And hopefully, great-grandchildren and generations after that. Her legacy will survive in the people she touched and helped in her various roles of aunt, sister, friend and social worker. Coleen probably won’t have a plaque hanging or statute standing in a park somewhere, but the impact of her life will be felt, and hopefully passed on, by many people. She did a lot of good in her time and helped many people in many ways. For that, she made the world a little better place. My friend Barb pointed out to me yesterday that I was creating a legacy of sorts for my children and grandchildren by creating this website. She thought my writings and memories would be precious and interesting to generations to come. After all, how many people get to read about how much their grandfather loved their grandmother? I liked her take on that and frankly, had never thought of this little project of mine in that way. I hope what she says proves to be true. Many of my thoughts now are formulated from the perspective of a patriarch overseeing his family. Aware of their feelings, maybe even a little protective of them.~~~~~~~~
Once I solve the equation that asks me to find the balance between the memories and the future, I will have found my peace. For that remains my greatest challenge. I want to keep Coleen alive in some way. I loved the life we had together. We have already said goodbye but I still can’t believe it’s over. As wonderful as I remember that life being, I must move on from those memories, especially the ones of losing her, and keep myself in a different place where I can make new memories. In many ways I have done that and continue to make more strides. But sometimes it’s as if I feel guilty getting too far away from the old memories for fear I might lose them. Sometimes I think that six months is not long enough. That I haven’t grieved long enough to move on, that I’m being disrespectful to her memory and being insensitive to my children. But it seems like so much longer than six months. There have been many changes in my life and in myself during that time and I am encouraged to make new memories. Actually, I already have and none of them hurt and none of them made me forget about the old memories. It’s all about finding a balance.~~~~~~~~
One week ago, we celebrated Coleen’s life on her birthday. Today, we are together as family once again to celebrate the third birthday of our granddaughter, Claire. This is another difficult day because it’s an occasion that Coleen should be attending but will be noticeably absent for. Claire won’t notice but I will. Three days from now will be the six month anniversary of Coleen’s death and that will obviously be a very difficult day. I don’t know what to do that day although I do have a reiki treatment in the morning and a meeting to attend in the evening. Those will help me be occupied but there will also be a lot of time in between. So far, the first half of March has brought many challenges. Spring is only four days away, though. That means a new season of rebirth, new growth, warmth and flowers. I am ready for all that. Here comes the sun. I am remarkable.
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