Daughter’s Daughters
One day a few months ago, my granddaughter Samantha was spending the night at my house. There was no occasion, just her and I hanging out together. She thinks it’s a big deal to do that and, truth be told. so do I. When she was brushing her teeth before going to bed, she opened the doors beneath the sink and stood on the bottom of the vanity so she could reach the faucet better. I told her I thought that was a great idea to do that and asked her how she learned that trick. She said, “Grandma showed me when she didn’t die yet.”Those were Samantha’s exact words. I know that because I heard her say them and I will never forget them. Children are so pure. It didn’t matter to her that the proper way to say that was “Grandma showed me before she died.” Or “Grandma showed me while she was still alive.” It doesn’t matter how the phrasing goes, the message at the end is the same. Samantha lost her grandmother. Of all the ways to say it, I kind of like hers best.
She was a little shy about saying it. I think it was because she wasn’t sure how to verbalize it or exactly which words to use. It was the first time she mentioned Coleen’s death to me on her own and I’m sure she was a little uncomfortable with it. I like to think part of her shyness was to protect me. Like she wasn’t sure how I would react to hearing those words so she was being very gentle with me. Am I giving her too much credit for that? Maybe, but I don’t think so. Samantha is a very caring and sensitive little girl and she had an incredible grandmother to learn from. Just for not nearly long enough.
I’ll never forget the excitement Coleen and I had just before Samantha was born. She was our first grandchild and was a little late in arriving. It was a Monday morning and we were both at work waiting for the news. Lindsay’s husband Mike was keeping us updated with text messages and when the one came through saying “getting close,” Coleen called me. “I’m leaving now,” she said and of course I did too. We rendezvoused at the hospital and just as we were getting on the elevator, another text came from Mike saying “It’s a girl!” We met Samantha about 45 minutes later, when she was brand new. The joy and happiness on Coleen’s face as she held her daughter’s daughter for the first time will always be unforgettable to me. Coleen was a wonderful mother and I knew that she would be even better as a grandmother. It was the perfect role for her. Just for not nearly long enough.
There is a bond between women that few men understand. They have these incredibly honest and caring relationships with other where they can say anything without hurting anyone’s feelings. Usually. They can talk for hours about topics seemingly unrelated and somehow eventually return to whatever it was they started their conversation with. Coleen was like that with her sister and with Lindsay. Her bond with her daughter was very special and like so many things around us, even more special once it’s been taken away. Lindsay told me a few days ago that she was kind of jealous. She said there was no place to go to find a new mom. I could find another woman to be with as my companion and wife, but she could never find anyone who could be a new mom. That role can never be filled for her.
Wow. I had never thought of that. I was so busy thinking my loss was the greatest loss of all that I never considered the full consequences of my daughter’s loss. She is right. There is no e-harmony or match.com website where you can interview for a replacement mother. You only get one of those per lifetime. And sometimes their lifetime is not nearly long enough.
I don’t know what made me do it but just a few minutes ago I opened one of the drawers in Coleen’s dresser. It was a small drawer where she kept some mementos and paperwork. I rummaged around in there for a minute and came across a greeting card that she had purchased but never signed or sent. It was a beautiful card with a lengthy message of love from a mother to her daughter. From Coleen to Lindsay. I couldn’t read all of it because it is just so sensitive and delicate and it made me cry again. I wish Coleen had given it to Lindsay “when she didn’t die yet,” but I’m equally glad she didn’t. In this world of messages and signs and things found, is it preposterous to think that this card was meant to be read after Coleen was gone? That she is using this card to deliver a message of love to her daughter, telling her how much she loves her even though she can’t be with her. I don’t think it’s a stretch to think that. I think that’s exactly why I found it today. And exactly why I will give it to Lindsay.
I am very saddened today and a little angry thinking about all these things. Thinking about daughters and granddaughters and lost opportunities. I wish there was something I could do to make it all better. I am learning to deal with my demons of Coleen’s death and managing to slowly find my way. But when it’s about my daughter and her daughters and the loss they have suffered, I will always be angry that they were so cheated.
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