Not the Last Goodbye
The weather today will be sunny and warm. It will be a perfect spring day. Spring is the time for renewal and rebirth and I notice that all around me as flowers are returning as are buds on branches of the bushes in front of my house. If all of the springtime symbolism holds true, today will be a reawakening for myself and my family. Not only will today be marvelous in its weather, it will also be cause for great celebration as we say our final goodbyes to Coleen.I started that process again late last night before I went to bed. I was turning off the lights and paused over the urn in my dining room that holds her ashes. That of course, is the cause of my emotions as it will be buried today in the cemetery Coleen picked out. I have kept it with me since she passed away seven months ago but today I will return it to the earth where it now belongs. “Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.” That is spoken at many funeral services and I expect to hear it again today. I want to hear it again today. I want to be reminded, to be told that Coleen’s ashes belong as part of the earth where they can be everywhere at once. Where she can reach out to all of us regardless of our location.
Last night I knelt in front of Coleen’s urn and cried. I kissed it and touched it and placed my forehead on the coolness of the marble surface. My tears wet the urn and the Philodendron plant that sits atop it. I did not care about that though. I like the idea that my tears have stained the urn and when it returns today to the earth, it will return with my tears upon it. I cried because I am sad to see it go. The urn has comforted me all the days since Coleen died and part of me wants to keep it forever. I cried because today when I leave it behind, I will be saying my last goodbye.
That’s what I thought last night. This morning I feel a little differently. This morning I am energized more by the excitement of the day. My daughter Shauna touched me greatly yesterday with a gift. I have a little velvet pouch that holds a small amount of Coleen’s ashes and Shauna gave me a beautiful container to put it in. I am losing the urn but it is being replaced with something new that will provide me with the same feelings and thoughts. It’s not exactly the same but I like to think of it as a new replacement. Different look, same function. My daughter Lindsay sent me a text last night. In it was a photo of a label from a tea bag that said “Our head bows and our heart is filled with love and joy.” She was having a cup of tea and that message was on the tea bag. Lindsay took as a sign from her mom about how we would all be feeling today. I agree with her.
Yesterday was Easter, which as a dear friend reminded me, is a time of renewal and new beginnings. Today is the day after that and it promises to be filled with the joy and love the tea bag predicted. It will come with its share of tears too, as we remember the wonder of Coleen.
I received a whisper of my own yesterday. I had random music playing as I prepared dinner and I heard the song that Coleen said was her favorite just weeks before she died. It’s called “Don’t Dream It’s Over.” And I never will. Today Coleen’s ashes will be committed to the earth but her memory and presence will never be over.
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