Then & Now
There is something different about me now. Actually, most things are different about me now. The way I live. The way I think. The people I know. The things I do and the places I go. They are all different. But it’s more than that. It’s me. Inside. Outside. I talk to people with such a calmness, such a quiet confidence. I hardly recognize myself. I am much more interesting than I was before. I should be. I know more than I did. I have been exposed to an entirely new cast of characters than I surrounded myself with before. Nothing negative about my life in the corporate world but the people there were much less interesting and inspirational than the people I have met since. My goals are different, my intentions clearer.I wonder what Coleen would think of me now. She knew me better than anyone ever has but she knew me differently than I am now. She knew the old Rob and loved me in that persona. What would she think of me now? I wish she could see me today. I wish I could talk to her. I would be better for her now than I was when she knew me. The new self I have become would be much more pleasing to her and more receptive to her. She loved me before, she would love me even more now. She would like me better.
So I take that newness in myself to different places and I talk to different people. People I never knew before get the new version of me. Not that the last version was bad, but I am so much different now. I feel that I have a new awareness and I am eager to share that with people I know and with people I meet. It has become a passion of mine to reach out to people.
I have had occasion to speak with women who could be potential partners of mine. The calmness and confidence I spoke of earlier is even more evident in these encounters. Ironically, it is the discoveries I have made since Coleen’s death that propel me forward into my future. It is the newness that has developed in me that gives me the strength and the ability to not replace her, but to move forward without her.
A dear friend recently gave me a hand-written note that spoke of the expansive powers of the heart. She wrote that just when you think the heart is full and can not accept anything or anybody new to love, it finds a way to expand and make room for new love without sacrificing any love it already had. I believe that. I believe I will find that new love and that my heart will find the room for her while saving the space that will forever be Coleen’s. It won’t be competitive, it will be complementary.
I was recently at the venue of our wedding ceremony, a park not far from where I live. I met a woman there. She had brown hair, brown eyes. She was part German, part Irish and she had a lot to say. She was familiar, she was different. I was calm and I was confident and I tried to be interesting. She got the version of me that Coleen created but never saw. It was all very new and I felt my heart opening up.
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