Graduation
One thing I’ve learned about loss is you just never know when you are going to feel it. They told me that grief comes in waves, crashing at the shore of your emotions them returning peacefully from where they came. There is a sudden rush of grief and longing and helplessness that gives way to what is now supposed to be normal life. Although life will never be the the normal one I knew it to be.A few nights ago, our granddaughter Samantha graduated from pre-school. When I say graduated I mean the pre-school she attended held a commencement ceremony in a local school complete with caps, gowns, procession and diploma. When Lindsay invited me I didn’t think much of it. Kind of just another one of those little things that grandparents went to like a school play or a Christmas pageant. I expected it to be cute and brief and fun to be at. I didn’t expect it to be so painful.
I sat with six other members of Samantha’s family in the third row of the auditorium. The music started and the graduates walked down the aisle from the rear and sat in their seats, bringing smiles to all of the parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it earlier, but it wasn’t until I saw Samantha in her green cap and gown and big, proud smile that I realized we were once again one person short that night. That Samantha was missing a grandmother. And not only was she missing a grandmother for her pre-school graduation, but she would missing her for every occasion to come. Birthdays, recitals, plays, all of it. We all missed Coleen’s happiness and enthusiasm that night. She would have been all smiles and hugs and would have probably invited everyone back to the house for dessert or something. I thought about the day Samantha was born just five short years ago and how excited Coleen was. One day while Lindsay was pregnant, Coleen and I were in a store and there we saw a newborn baby. Coleen looked at the baby and smiled and said to me, “Hey, we’re getting one of those.” Or when she called me at work just before Samantha was born and told me she didn’t care about work, she was on her way to the hospital and said I better be too. And then I thought about all that has happened in those five years and how fast that time went and how Coleen isn’t with us anymore.
When it hit me at graduation, it was just like one of those waves crashing the shore. Oh my God, I thought, Coleen is supposed to be here too. This is the perfect event for her and she would have been so excited to be part of it. I half held back tears and I don’t know if anyone noticed but I was quite saddened by my realization. I guess I actually thought about Coleen’s absence before I left home because I wore her flower pin on my collar. It looked good and was quite noticeable against the black fabric of my shirt but nobody asked me about it. And nobody else from the family had one on. For me it is a way of including Coleen in functions like these. Even though she’s not physically with us, it’s a way of inviting her spirit to join in. It’s a way of honoring her and her enthusiasm.
Samantha & I at her Pre-School Graduation 7/26/2014
For me, I never know when the grief and the loss are going to strike. I should have seen it coming at the graduation, though. I
Coleen with Claire smelling flowers
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