Garden Walk
My text to Ruth went like this:
“Going to church tomorrow at 10. Interested in seeing how the Episcopals do it? I could pick you up 9:30 ish then walk around downtown for a bit afterwards.”I thought she would want to go with me. Ruth is Catholic and from what I have gathered in the almost two months of knowing her, she is pretty serious about it too. And since the Episcopal service and Catholic services are so similar, it seemed like a good fit. I wasn’t really motivated by that though. It seemed to me that the time was right for Ruth to learn a little more about me. My religious practices confused her as they do me sometimes. I told her a few weeks ago that I wasn’t really very religious which conflicted with my practice of attending church almost every week. I can’t explain all that but I wanted her to see my church and how I acted there. I also wanted some of my friends from church to meet her and for her to meet them. Sometimes you can learn quite a bit about people from the company they keep.
She called me to ask if I was going to be okay with her in church with me. She was concerned that it was the church Coleen and I went to and that it might be too hard for me to be there with her. I knew all that but thought the result would be different for me. Instead of being saddened or uncomfortable by Ruth’s presence, I welcomed it. I thought about how we played tennis a few weeks earlier on the same court that Coleen and I played on. And how right, or “okay” it felt for Ruth to be there with me. Not replacing anyone but being in the present with me. My instincts told me it would much the same in church. I told Ruth I wanted her to come with me and she agreed and we discussed how to turn a church service into a daylong date.
I picked her up at 9:15 and we left for church which is downtown Buffalo. On the way she tried to paint her nails in the car and we laughed about the result. I was more nervous that morning than I was when I asked her, more nervous than I thought I would be. I was suddenly apprehensive about introducing her to the people I knew at church. Sometimes I struggle with new introductions and this was compounded by the fact that Ruth would be meeting people who all knew Coleen. We arrived a little early and walked around outside for a few minutes to kill some time. There were only one or two people for Ruth to meet on the way in before we sat down in a pew that Coleen and I frequently occupied. Ruth on the inside where Coleen always sat, me on the aisle. Once we sat down, my anxiety subsided and I was just in the moment. It felt perfectly normal. So normal that I kept looking at Ruth, trying to understand the magic. How did she get here? How did I find her?
During Coleen’s funeral service which was held at the same church, a very freakish incident occurred. Just as the priest was beginning her eulogy/sermon, which was based almost exclusively on “the light” and Coleen’s fascination with it, a radiant bolt of sunlight literally exploded through one of the stained glass windows shining down on the two front pews where we sat. It was impossible to ignore and everyone in the church noticed it. I still get goosebumps thinking about it. On Sunday with Ruth next to me, it wasn’t quite as dramatic. But there was light once again shining through the stained glass windows and hitting me squarely in the eye. It came through different windows and I noticed it from a different pew and I couldn’t stop looking at it. Not long after that, during the sermon, Ruth slid her finger toward my hand, lightly touching it. I put my hand over hers and held on like it was the most natural act imaginable and kept it that way for a long time. I looked at her, sang with her, prayed with her, smiled with her. During the sermon, the pastor asked the congregation to invite new people to attend our services. Ruth and I looked at each other and laughed for she was brand new there and had already been invited before the sermon was ever spoken. She was exactly what the pastor was asking for. After the service we walked out and I introduced Ruth to several other church people including the priest. I explained to him that Ruth was one of the new invitees he was calling out for. I thanked her for coming with me and she thanked me for taking her. It made perfect sense that she was there with me.
We stayed downtown after church. Every year in Buffalo, there is an event called the “Garden Walk” where people open their yards to show off their gardens. People get maps of houses that are in the Garden Walk and walk from location to location looking at a plethora of flowers, plants, ivy, ponds and almost anything else that be grown outside. Ruth and I are avid walkers and both enjoy the city neighborhoods where this takes place so we joined the masses and toured a large residential area of the city. As there were many other people there, it seemed unlikely that we would go all afternoon without running into someone we knew. Which, of course, we didn’t.
On a cul-de-sac, I heard someone call my name. I turned to look and it was one of Coleen’s first cousins, Annette. She was talking to someone else but recognized me and called out. I had one of those “Oh shit, what am I going to do now” moments but only for a brief second. I smiled, grabbed Ruth, and introduced her as my girlfriend and introduced Annette as Coleen’s cousin. As much as I thought that situation could be uncomfortable, it was the exact opposite. The three of us stood and talked for about 15 minutes, not unlike what might have happened if Coleen and I had run into Annette. We talked about the neighborhood we were in which is where Annette lived and the city and the event. No mention was made of Coleen’s passing or of me being with someone else. Just as things had been in church that morning, our meeting was very normal. There was no evidence of loss or of pain or of grieving, only of three unlikely people sharing a few natural moments in time.
About an hour later, we approached a house that had a large garden in it’s back yard. On the front porch stood the houses owner and I recognized him. Not at first but within about ten seconds I realized who he was. When Coleen was in the Hospice facility about two weeks before she died to get her medications straight, we were visited on two occasions by the Hospice chaplain, Bob Fink. Then on the day Coleen died, he came to the house and prayed for her, prayed with her and with us, her entire family. He gave us great strength as we faced our new journeys without her. And there he was, standing on his porch at the Garden Walk as I passed him on my way to his backyard. As I exited the yard, I passed him again but this time I stopped to talk. “Your name is Bob, isn’t it?” He answered yes and I explained how it was that I knew him. I introduced Ruth to him as my girlfriend and explained to her how Bob had helped me and my family with Coleen’s death. We changed the subject to his garden and beautiful flowers and spoke for only a few moments before parting. As we walked away I was amazed that I would run into that man on this day. I wondered about the significance of that meeting. I don’t think he remembered me but I explained who I was. And he saw what 10-1/2 months of healing could look like if given the chance. Bob saw me healthy and happy and with someone very special at my side. And of course I saw him and remembered what I looked like the last time I saw him and how much different I was 10-1/2 months ago. It almost seemed like the ending of The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy wakes up from her “dream” and finds the wizard leaning through the window, chuckling at her perceived experience. Was that what it was for me? Oz was real to Dorothy just as Coleen’s death is real to me. Am I waking from my dream now to return to something brand new but just as normal as before I went to sleep?
That entire day was a series of messages to me. How could all those things happen within such a short period of time? Ruth, the church, the light, the sermon, the Garden Walk, Coleen’s cousin, the Hospice chaplain. It was an overwhelming experience. I have often told the story of Coleen instructing me to find another woman after she was gone. The punch line being my surprise that she didn’t tell me who that woman should be. Well, maybe she is telling me. Or maybe I’m finding myself in the right situations to figure it out for myself. It was one amazing day in this incredible journey I am on. Part love, part loss, part healing and a whole bunch of discoveries.
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