11 Months
It was all so easy before. Everything was stable, decided, determined, and understood. When Coleen was alive, it was all so different. I realized how different things have become since she died 11 months ago today. I realized it when I was kneeling at her grave site trying to talk to her and hoping that she was somehow hearing me. I make decisions now that I would have never dreamed of making before. I won’t say that Coleen made all of our decisions because she didn’t. Most of them we made together by discussing and compromising. Many decisions I have to make now would have never presented if she was still alive. Our lives together were established and fairly routine. Not boring, just every day items that you get accustomed to after 33 years of seeing each other day. I never had to decide what to do for holidays or what to buy for a gift. Now I decide what food to buy, where to go on dates, what family parties to attend, where to go for holidays. I have an opportunity to spend Thanksgiving in Florida with Ruth Ann and her family and I am deciding on doing that or doing what I have done for the last 30+ years. Tough call which of course I would never had to make with Coleen. I have been with people I would have never met before. I have an entirely different set of people in my life since Coleen was here. My affiliation with the Buffalo Wellness Center and the Breast Cancer Network of Western New York as a member of their Board of Directors has enabled me to meet brand new people. And they are all very enthusiastic and passionate about their work and their cause. It is a pleasure to be around such upbeat and committed people. I have also recently met a wonderful woman who I am getting to know better. This weekend she invited me to a wedding where I met her entire family and it is a big one. My affiliation with Coleen’s family has waned somewhat since she has been gone. People get busy, myself included, and we just don’t seem to get together as much. Part of my problem is my relationship with my girlfriend because I can not yet introduce her to people like Coleen’s parents or other family members. So I can’t really combine things like I would like to. I want that to change and expect it to shortly.:00 I do things I would have had neither time nor inspiration for. Today, on the 11 month anniversary of her death, I spent much of the morning writing a song. That’s right, a song. Words and music, verses and a chorus. Not only was it a song but it was a love song but not for Coleen. I feel guilty about that but then I don’t. Then I decide that I really don’t know at all how I should feel about it. Truth is, I am happy whenever I write anything and to wake up and write a song is amazing to me. The inspiration moving me to do that seems cosmic to me. Almost like it is some kind of divine force willing me to figure out the words and emotions and feelings and then to somehow fit all that around a few guitar chords that make up a rough melody. I’m not sure I get how that all works but I guess I don’t have to. My favorite musical artist, Neil Young, speaks about something he calls “the Muse.” It is the force that visits him when he writes a song and the source for his inspiration. He says that when the muse is suddenly present, he makes himself alone and lets the song happen. Neil claims that he is the conduit between the muse and the recording and that the song writes itself. I felt a little bit like that today although Neil makes money with his songs and so far, I’m just making videos for my girlfriend. It is hard to fathom that I have been 11 months now without Coleen. The only thing harder will be when I have been one year without her. And that is coming up all too soon. On July 18 which was the 10 month anniversary, I actually forgot about it. I woke up the next morning and realized that I missed the 18th. I have done that one time earlier this year and felt badly about not acknowledging those days. After last months mistake, I set an appointment in my iPhone to remind me at 8:00 AM on August 18 that it was 11 months that day. Kind of ridiculous that I would have to do that I suppose but I would rather rely on technology than forget another month. Maybe in a way it’s a good thing to forget once in a while. Maybe it’s a little sign of progress on this journey. I will never forget my Coleen and I won’t need to set an appointment reminder for next month.Trackback from your site.