Just Her Style

Written by RJ on September 3, 2014. Posted in Coleen, Healing, Loss

I kept her style in mind through all of the events that occurred after her death. From the funeral service and luncheon that followed to the committal of her ashes to the ground several months later and all those milestone days in between, I always kept in mind how she would have wanted it. Through all of those events and days, I constantly made decisions by asking myself “What would Coleen do, what would she want?” I usually made pretty quick and solid decisions by answering those questions to myself. I’m not sure she would have agreed to everything I did but I feel that I got close enough that all in all, she would have been happy.

I delayed the final symbolic gesture of Coleen’s death until just recently. Because it took me almost six months to part with the urn that contained her ashes and have a ceremony where it was buried, I had not made arrangements for her gravestone marker. Shortly after the burial in April, I began the process for her stone. And of course, I had several choices to make about that. What size, what color, what should it say, should my name be on it too, where to buy it. I felt a little overwhelmed at times because, after all, this was going to be the final statement about Coleen. This was going to mark the spot where her ashes were buried and was going to be what people would see when they came to remember her. I wanted it to be special and I wanted it to be right.

This is another one of those places where I wish I could have talked to Coleen because she would have known exactly what to do. Instead I talked to other people and solicited their opinions. I asked my daughter, Coleen’s sister, my brother, some friends and of course the guy who owned the store I was buying the stone from. My best source was when I walked around the cemetery and looked at other stones. That is what convinced me to make the size, design, and wording decisions I did. There were two things I added to the standard design that make Coleen’s stone unique to her. I added the flower that she drew that day with our granddaughter, Samantha and I also added a biblical quote, “Let light perpetual shine upon them.” Coleen was all about light and it seemed fitting to include that on her marker. It took much longer to get the stone finished and delivered than the store initially promised. I was patient at first but got a little anxious after waiting months instead of weeks. I wanted it in place before the anniversary of her death which was fast approaching.

A few days ago I was on my way to an event but I stopped at the cemetery to see if Coleen’s stone had been delivered. The store owner had promised me it would be there that morning but I was still kind of skeptical. As I drove closer to her plot I saw that it did indeed look different and that the stone was there. Brand new and shiny, it looked beautiful and I knew Coleen would have liked it very much. I sent texts out to her parents, sister and our daughter announcing that her stone was finally in place and that they should come visit. My daughter brought her daughters later that day and told me that the stone was the prettiest one in the whole cemetery. The girls picked some dandelions and put them on the stone. I was away a few days but when I came back I went to see the stone again. It is beautiful. I traced the flower with my fingertip and held the palm of my other hand over her name like I was administering reiki to it and felt the warmth through the coolness of the stone. I have been to Coleen’s grave countless times since she was buried but never did I feel the emotion of that day. Not even when I was there on our wedding anniversary. I guess it was the wording and the dates and just seeing it carved in that stone for me to read. I guess it was that and the flower that brought it all together for me. Coleen was really gone and she was not coming back and that was final. Yes, I already knew all that but it was different. You know that saying people use when they mean something’s not definite? “It’s not carved in stone.” Well, Coleen’s name was carved in stone and it wasn’t going to change. You can call it closure, maybe. I think it is that and I think it will help her parents and family with their closures as well.

I left Coleen’s grave and stone that day with mixed feelings. Sad that the whole affair was necessary but happy with my efforts and the result. The stone was the final piece of my responsibility to Coleen and her family. When I selected and designed the stone, I thought of her style, her ways, her wishes. How could I best memorialize her in such a small space? I am certain she would be very pleased with her stone, it’s just her style.

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