My House
The last time I lived alone was June 5, 1981 which is just over 32 years ago. Coleen and I were married the next day and lived happily ever since. Truth be told, she almost lived with me during the months leading up to June 5, 1981 as well. Technically she still lived with her parents but she was always at my place. Coleen would come over after work, sometimes make dinner, and we would spend the evening together talking, watching TV, making plans. And sometimes part of the night amd wee hours as well. I recall her leaving for home around 4:oo AM more than a few times.Since Coleen’s passing about six weeks ago I have lived without her but not alone. Our son Patrick has been my housemate during that time and as always, has made things interesting. But Patrick packed up and left for New York City this morning and is moving into his new apartment and new life as I write this. It was great to have him here to help me transition and he is always welcome in this house. But his potential lies in New York, not here, and I encouraged him to make the move.
That leaves me with another milestone day today. My first day living alone in 32 years. I had the day Coleen died, the day of the wake, the funeral service, the first day after that, then my birthday, last day of work, vacation in Florida, and now today. That’s a lot of milestone days in a short period of time. I gues when I think of it every day is a milestone without her. Every day, it’s another miracle that I get to the part where my head meets a pillow and I fall asleep. And I can look back and say I made it through another day without her.
I don’t like living alone. Yea, it was kind of novel when Coleen was out of town for a night or two for work. Then I would have the whole house to myself and that was kind of fun. This isn’t. There’s a big difference between having the whole house to yourself and nobody else living here. I guess it’s also nice to only have one person to clean up after or cook for, shop for. But the trade-off of companionship is probably worth it. I am less than one day into this and I’m trying to come to grips with “This is how my life is going to look for awhile.”
When we moved here in 1987, our next door neighbor was Mr. Java. He was in his 80′s, a widower and retired teacher at our high school. I don’t remember exactly when Mr. Java lost his wife but it was at least 15 or 20 years prior. He stayed in his house into his mid-nineties when his sons had to put him in a nursing home. He just stayed his course without Mrs. Java and nothing changed for him. He did nothing to his house except keep it clean and cut the grass. He had a small vegetable garden in his back yard that he tended to but he left the house the same. I don’t want to became Mr. Java. I can not live here alone for long. At least I don’t think I can.
I have been busy today. After Patrick left early this morning, I decided to clean. This place really had not seen a decent cleaning for a couple months. Patrick and I would do the surface stuff daily but we had our limits. When I say “surface stuff” I probably mean we cleaned the panini maker and washed the dishes. What I did today wasn’t exactly spring cleaning but it was much deeper than the house has seen for awhile. During that cleaning process. I encountered items that I no longer need. It’s my house now. I’m the only one living here. So I don’t need four toothbrushes in the rack or organic face cleanser that I don’t use. Things look a little emptier than they did this morning. And it’s very quiet unless I am making noise. I wonder if the house is taking on some of my own characteristics as I declutter myself to make room for newness.
I don’t have a lot of friends. Much of my friendships came through work contacts and I don’t have that right now. I was also kind of protective of my time when I was married to Coleen. I was selfish and wanted to spend as much time with her as I could and I didn’t want to compromise that with too many friends that would also require my time. I guess that sounds kind of stupid but that’s how I felt. We had friends together, couples friends. And I was friends with some of Coleen’s friends, too. After 32 years worth of holidays, babies, birthdays and picnics, I was also pretty entrenched with Coleen’s family, too. It seems different now though that it’s just me. I haven’t heard from a lot of those people and haven’t seen most of them. They’ll probably be surprised when they see me again. Surprised that I am so different than before.
Much as I am clensing my heart of grief to make space for newness, it seems that my house is now taking on some the same characteristics. By minimalizing the belongings and clutter accumulated from various lives that are no longer here, I am allowing room to grow the one that remains. The house will continue to take on more of my character and needs as I go forward. I’m sure there will be more changes to come. To myself, to my house.
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