Being Coleen

Written by RJ on October 31, 2013. Posted in Coleen, Discovery, Healing

Going there last night was a little strage for me. The studio, Healing Waters, was Coleen’s place. She took many classes there and made many friends including the owner and Coleen’s favorite instructor, Felicitas. Those two were of like minds and had much admiration for each other. Felicitas is the instructor for my Intro course and she is such a unique woman. She has a calmness and a peacefulness about her that is contagious to those she is with. Myself included.

By entering Healing Waters last night, I was entering a piece of Coleen’s world. I have been doing a lot of that in different ways. I have also found myself adopting some of her hablits, assuming some of her roles, her responsibilities. My daughter Lindsay said she is noticing how things are kind of shifting and people are redefining themselves to try to fill the massive void Coleen left us. I think that’s true of Lindsay and of myself but I can’t speak for many others.

Coleen was the matriarch of this family. She was it’s heart and it’s soul and her passing left much more than a void. To me it is more akin to a black hole in space. I don’t imagine that void will ever be filled. We might be able to mend some of the damage, to apply some bandages and maybe some emotional duct tape that will help. But none of us can ever be Coleen. She was much better at being Coleen than anyone else could ever come close to. She was at the center of things. Planning, guiding, counseling, advising, selecting holiday menus and vacation spots. She was the one everybody else deferred to. She was the one we all wanted to be with.

I have found myself shifting. I was never the patriarch nor do I necessarily want to be. In some ways my previous role might best be described as Coleen’s partner, her balance, security and foundation so she could be Coleen. I supported her, questioned her, challenged her, helped her and loved her. And she did all that for me. Now I can neither be those things nor receive those things and I have voids of my own to fill.

In some ways I think I am trying to fill them by taking on some of the roles of Coleen and even some of her lifestyle. There are certain things that are obvious as far as the day to day shopping, cleaning, laundry, cooking and changing the sheets. But other things maybe not so noticeable have been happening. My relationships with my children are different because their Mom is gone. I can’t replace her for them but I can be more attentive and be a better listener. I can try to offer the guidance and support Coleen did. I can make dinner sometimes. And I want to be a better grandfather to those two little girls who lost their Grandma and keep her memory alive in them.

I am doing some of the things she loved like reiki and yoga and massage therapy. I am trying to make some of her recipes and taking dinner to Lindsay’s house. I am encouraging (nagging) Patrick to get married or put himself in a place of greater opportunity or both. I am adopting some of Coleen’s habits and characteristics like making lists like she used to, going to Wegman’s more than once a week, rushing so I’m not late for things, reading more than one book at a time, having a messy bedrom but a perfect bed. Last week in Florida I wanted to buy some souveneirs for the granddaughters. On any other vacation we would have done that together and Coleen would have had better ideas than me. I bought them each little beach bags, tie-dyed t-shirts and a little conch shells. I think she would have approved.

I am changing and will contiue to do so. Some of my changes will help fill the void left from Coleen. But none of us can replace her and how she thought and what she did. She was the only one who could be Coleen.

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