Changing the Sheets
One of the things that keeps making me sad is when I change the sheets on our bed. That’s a place Coleen and I shared almost every single night and it was our sacred territory. We did a lot of talking, planning, laughing and loving there and now it’s just my bed. It’s emotional for me and when I change the sheets it’s as if I am stirring things up instead of letting them lie.Coleen was very particular about our bed and how it looked. She wasn’t nearly as concerned with the rest of the room but that bed had to be right. She made a point of making the bed every day before she went to work, regardless of how late she was. And the sheets were changed weekly. The mattress was flipped and rotated every couple months and the comforter cover was washed and line dried outside as much as possible.
We got a different mattress last year. It was a queen size instead of the standard full that we had forever. I bought a set of conversion rails so we could adapt our brass headboard and footboard to fit the queen mattress. It gave us a lot more room in bed but the bedframe was never as sturdy as before and it never felt quite right to me. But Coleen liked the extra space and so we kept it like that.
About two months before her passing, Coleen had stopped sleeping in our bed. Instead she slept on the couch downstairs where she was actually more comfortable because she could be more upright. And then the last few weeks were spent in a hospital bed in our living room. That left me sleeping upstairs alone. Since I never loved that new mattress anyway, I changed the bed back to it’s orignal size and put the old mattress back on. Back to the original configuration from 1986. Back to the start. I wanted her back in that bed with me for one night, one hour, one minute. I would have settled for anything. Just to hold her again. There is a song, a sad song that I love and hate with the lyrics “Oh and I wanted to hold her, One more time …”
I have been sleeping fairly well since Coleen. Better, actually, than before. The past couple of nights have been different though. Two nights ago I tossed and turned and couldn’t get comfortable. I felt like someone was in bed with me and we were fighting for our share of the comforter. I wish that was the case. The bedroom door opened by itself that night. too. Must have caught a draft. Then last night I slept soundly. I started as I usually do, but before falling asleep, I was drawn to Coleen’s side of the bed. It’s funny but all the time that she has not been sleeping with me, I only sleep on my side of the bed. But last night was different as I drifted a little closer to the other side. I moved my head to her pillow then slid myself over a little more. Sleeping on her side, feeling comfort and peace like I was closer to her. Like I was where I belonged. Like someone was with me.
Of course I had changed the sheets earlier that day, too. Coleen always liked fresh sheets.
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