Lunch at Hooters

I was having lunch at Hooters yesterday and the girls there made me an offer. They said they would give me a free draft beer ($4.00 value) if I would buy one of their calendars for $13.00. And that was before I even saw a menu. They showed me the calendar. They probably thought that I would be unable to resist their offer once I laid eyes on the artistic merit of young blondes in orange hot pants, white tank tops and over emphasized breasts in pathetic poses with fake smiles. I was trying to visualize the sight of that work of art hanging in my kitchen when my granddaughters came over to visit. I guess the Hooters girls sensed my apprehension because they then moved in with their kill shot. “And the proceeds go to breast cancer.” I was just trying to get a salad and a beer. I am here as a direct result of losing my wife to metastatic breast cancer. I don’t really want to hear about how committed to the cause Hooters and all of its large breasted girls are to “breast cancer.” I notice the pink paper towels scattered throughout the restaurant. I guess that’s Hooters idea of commitment or awareness maybe. I did not want to get into a breast cancer debate with one of these girls. It wasn’t really their fault that they didn’t know any better. Or was it?

I tried to stay out of it but ultimately, I had to ask, “How does it go to breast cancer?” “What do you mean? It goes to breast cancer!” Like that was some destination or secret bank account that all these monies were magically directed to. I said “Well, you know, does it go to research, Komen, some sort of Hooters foundation? How does it go to breast cancer?”

“It just does! It goes to breast cancer!” I stopped there. I know when it’s time to stop. It’s hard to reason with someone dressed as ridiculously as those girls are. I ordered the garden salad with chicken, balsamic on the side, Heineken draft. And I passed on the calendar.

But I must say, ” shame on you Hooters.” If you are going to ask your young darlings to shamelessly hawk your merchandise in the name of a cause, to trade it off for free beer, could you please first educate them on what the hell the cause is?

It is likely that a significant percentage of those well endowed waitresses of yours will someday grow up to be breast cancer victims themselves. Like about 1 of every 8. Please teach them what they need to know. Or else next time I’ll go to Subway.

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