Making New Memories
At the Hospice seminar I attended a few weeks ago, they talked about how to cope with grief and the holidays. One of the recurring themes mentioned was to “make new memories.” The concept was not to just lock on to all the memories of the past, all the memories you could no longer relive with the person you made them with. But to move forward with new times and new experiences. Move forward with new memories.Christmas ended up being like that. I don’t think it was a conscious effort by me or anybody else. It just turned out that way. I didn’t walk around trying to make new memories or looking for some around every corner. They just kind of happened on their own. Just like they would have done if Coleen wasn’t missing from them. Just like if she was there beside us making them with us. Which of course, I think she was.
Coleen was the centerpiece of Christmas this year, even in her absence. I was talking to a friend named Judy who lost her sister in 2012. This was Judy’s second Christmas without her sister and she commented “We felt her presence just as strongly as we felt her absence.” I would say that pretty much sums up the general feeling at our Christmas Day family gathering. We all got together just like we always did and just like we would have done if Coleen was with us. Some of us shifted our roles to fill some of the void created by Coleen’s absence. She was always very active in organizing and orchestrating days like these and although she was irreplaceable, we had to find ways to replace her. Lindsay took charge of the menu and delegated food assignments so that everyone brought something. Karen seemed even more social than normal which was something Coleen excelled at. She was also very attentive to Samantha and Claire and seemed to be a little bit more than just Aunt Karen to them that day. I also tried to more social, more of a greeter, working the room and trying to talk to everyone as much as possible. We all felt Coleen’s absence but nobody said it very loudly.
I felt her presence, though. Christmas is a day Coleen belongs in and as far as I’m concerned, will always be part of. It’s a day custom-made for her. With all the giving and family, food and love. And of course the memories. I felt her very strongly today, especially through our granddaughters. They were very busy opening gifts and playing with new toys and games. They were also very social with so many people around paying attention to them. Every time I looked at them, which was often, I thought about their Grandma and her absence and her presence. I could see her in their eyes, sparkling with wonderment. I could hear her in their laughs and picture her sitting on the floor with them reading one of their new books. Making new memories.
Lindsay made each girl a memory book with photos of them with their Grandma Coleen. I know it was hard for her to do but they came out beautifully. Karen helped the girls unwrap the books and read them aloud. I stood behind her with a quivering chin. Pretty soon Coleen’s dad was looking over Karen’s shoulder to see inside. And Lindsay was gathered around. too. It was one of those happy moments that made everyone cry. Looking back at such beautiful moments and looking ahead to when the girls look at them later. It was impossible not to feel Coleen’s presence then. And her absence.
All told, I think the family had a good Christmas Day. Not great, but good. I did, too. I was with family all day and I know that helped me. Too much alone time would not have been good. I was at church Christmas Eve then spent the night at Lindsay’s house where I experienced the girls and Santa Claus. I picked up Patrick at the airport Christmas morning and came home. I resurrected an old Betty Crocker augratin potato recipe modified by my mom that I used to make for family gatherings. Then it was back to Lindsay’s for the Christmas Day party. With Patrick in town and Shauna and Al visiting over the weekend, I have not been alone in several days. I think I am ready for a little bit of that.
This Christmas I put an old ornament on a new tree. I made an old recipe for people who had never tasted it. I drove a new car to familiar places. I gave my granddaughters a puppet theater and puppets so we can play with them when I come over. I received beautiful texts from two wonderful new friends. I opened precious gifts from my children. I lived the miracle of Christmas through the eyes of my granddaughters. I watched people celebrating with such sadness. I was without Coleen for the first time in 33 years. I’m not sure how many of those will become memories. Maybe they already have. After all, You never really know when you’re making one.
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