Sad Enough to Cry

Sometimes I walk around like I know something that other people don’t. Other times I am sad enough to cry. Sometimes I am riding some kind of crazy adrenalin experience that makes me feel very confident and aware. Other times I am sad enough to cry. Sometimes I think I have interesting lessons for people to learn from and other times, I am sad enough to cry.

With today being Christmas Eve, I don’t know what to expect but I have already been sad enough that I have cried. And it’s not quite 7:30 in the morning. I have some things to do today but it’s far from a hectic schedule. I will be working out, going to the grocery store, ushering at my church’s 5:00 Christmas Eve service then going to Lindsay’s house for a sleepover. There will be enough lapses in activity to leave ample time for sadness if I allow it. Which I probably will.

People keep asking me how I am doing with the holidays but without Coleen. I say I’m doing okay, staying busy and all that. Truth is, when I stop and think about it, I hurt pretty badly. I am also very sad. I tell you that because you care enough about me to be reading here. I tell you that because it is safe for me to say it to you. As much as I try to disguise this Christmas season, my truth is I am deeply saddened by Coleen’s absence and I miss her immeasurably. If I had to put a number on it from 1 to infinity it would be infinity times infinity. That’s a lot.

Sometimes, I am okay. Throughout most of the activities leading up to Christmas, I have performed satisfactorily. I made a Christmas list, bought what I needed, wrapped my gifts, put up a tree and some decorations and sent Christmas cards. Pretty much everything I would have done anyway, probably more than years past. I also bought a new car, hosted Samantha for a sleepover, visited my friends from work, and helped decorate my church. I held up well emotionally through most of that except when I put that bell ornament on the tree. Not exactly a jammed packed schedule, but busy enough to keep me busy. It’s getting closer to crunch time now. All of a sudden, this is Christmas Eve morning. Normally, I would have gone to work today and come home early. Coleen would have been at home doing some last-minute preparations for this evening or tomorrow’s dinner. We wouldn’t have been hosting that but she would have assumed command of it anyway. She would have been making a list of what she needed to do and what she needed to buy and she would have wanted to sneak in some yoga or video workout of some kind. (Since you aren’t here to see me, I will tell you that I just walked away from my typing and thinking in search of composure. I found some under a very hot shower where I went to hide. I find hot showers very cleansing in more ways than the obvious. I also cleansed my breathing passages with something called a Neti-Pot and a couple hits of an Aromatherapy inhaler. I feel much better, at least for now.) Things would be in some state of disarray when I came home but Coleen would rally and we would somehow get to church for the 5:00 service on time. Then we would spend Christmas Eve with Lindsay and Mike and the girls and exchange gifts and drink champagne. We would come home tired and lie down together, in each other’s arms and fall asleep. Thankful for all the ways we had been blessed.

It is hard for me to rationalize the fact that exactly one year ago, Coleen and I picked up my Mom and took her to Christmas Eve service with us. And now they are both gone and tonight I will be going alone. Last year my mom was her usual edgy self when we took her. She didn’t like where she had to sit with her walker and thought the service was too long, which it was. She fell asleep a couple of times, too. But it was the first Christmas Eve I had spent with her in about 20 years. I didn’t know it would also be the last. Oh, boy. Some things are better left not thought of. That ‘s one of them. Here’s another one: That was also my last Christmas Eve with Coleen. I am only telling you that because you already know and it won’t surprise you to find out.

So what’s it going to be for me? Sadness or joy? Pillar of support for others or emotional wreck? Probably a little bit of everything. It’s impossible not to take joy from my little granddaughters and I will be there with them tonight and tomorrow morning when they discover what Santa left for them. But I also know that later on, they will each receive a memory book of photos of them and their Grandma and that might make everyone cry. I will be happy to be with them and Lindsay and to see my son Patrick as he returns from NYC for the holiday. I will try to be brave and strong for everyone, using some of my newly discovered powers of healing and helping. But I will crave the comfort of my family and my friends at church and from the church itself. I think I will be a little bit of everything.

Sometimes I know exactly where I am going. Other times I am sad enough to cry. But I am always listening for a whisper, always looking for a light.

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