Trade In

I feel weak right now, very tired. Kind of rung out emotionally. It’s no wonder considering my activities of the last 24 hours. Last night I spent some very private time on the three-month anniversary of Coleen’s death. An easy dinner, glass of wine and some music led me up to right around 8:40 PM when my emotions peaked. I didn’t have the moon to cope with last night because it wasn’t visible through the thick cloud cover. I would have liked to have seen it but it was probably just as well. My heart got a little break instead. The moon was bright this morning, though. I walked into my bathroom a little before 6:00 AM and there was a bright light shining through the window and on to the floor. I smiled to myself as I noticed it. So the clouds were a little too heavy last night, but this morning wasn’t too late to get a message across? I got it. I took a picture from my bathroom window and also through NightSky. There was a very bright star next to the moon and I learned that was Jupiter. I haven’t figured out the significance of that yet.

For the past few weeks I have been wrestling with a car dilemma. Specifically, I have two and only need one. I inherited Patrick’s Mazda when he moved to New York City and I also had Coleen’s Honda Odyssey minivan. I have been trying to sell one or both but with no luck and decided to trade them both in on a different vehicle. Something more appropriate for a guy like me, whatever that is. After some negotiating with the Honda dealer, I worked out a deal and bought a new Honda CRV which I picked up today. That was supposed to be fun except I had to drive Coleen’s van to the dealership and turn it in as part of the trade. Oh, brother! Not so much fun. I had already given that car a pretty thorough cleaning a month ago when I listed it for sale. That was emotional. Today I emptied everything from Coleen’s van, drove it to the dealer and sat in it for several minutes saying goodbye. With emotions flowing the whole time.

We bought that van more than nine years ago from the same dealership where I was turning it in. There was so much of Coleen in that van that it broke my heart to give it up. She drove it every day, it was her car. I acted like I had some ownership in it and made the payments on it, but it was hers. She deferred the driving to me when we were going somewhere together in it, but it was still her car. I had a very difficult time giving that up today. When I got to the dealer, I just wanted to sign my name, exchange keys and come back home. I knew it would be hard to see that car go and it was. But it was something that had to happen, part of life’s master plan for me. I had to let that thing go so I could make room for something new. Another metaphor for Love, Loss and Healing. You have to learn to let go before you can move forward. Right?

I did come home today in a brand new car and that helped dull some of my pain. When the salesman was briefing me on the intricacies of my new car, I was only half listening, though. The other half was still focused on that 2004 Honda Odyssey I would soon be leaving behind . But I was making way for something new, something I wouldn’t have otherwise. I took some comfort in the fact that the license plates on my new car were the same ones from Coleen’s car. We just transferred them. She had a little glass heart hanging from the rearview mirror of the Odyssey and I took that off and will hang it on my new rearview mirror. I was also able to salvage two bumper stickers from the van. I made one into a wall hanging in my kitchen. The other one is something we bought on vacation in Berlin. I’m not sure yet what it will become, but I’m glad I have it.

So there are some shining moments borne from my clouds of sorrow and emotion. Plus let’s not forget that I do have new car with a sunroof that Coleen would have loved, and I’m very excited about that. Seems like more of the “making myself new” theme. I had two cars from my past, neither one of which fit me now. I turned those into something different, something closer to my newness. And at the same time, I salvaged some artifacts, saved the memories, and survived the emotional storm of the entire transaction. The past 24 hours took a lot of out of me, though. I’m ready for bed. Tomorrow I’ll go for a ride.

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