Before the Storm
I know what they do when a hurricane is expected to hit the mainland in Florida. I’ve seen that all on television. People buy plywood and put it up over their windows to protect against broken glass. They go to Publix or Krogers and buy plenty of water and canned goods for stock. They get batteries and make sure they have flashlights and candles nearby. They are all expecting a storm and taking the necessary precautions for protection and survival.p My plight is not quite that serious. Or is it? I am also expecting a storm today although mine will have nothing to do with weather. Mine will be a storm aimed at my emotions. Today is the third time the calendar has landed on 18 since Coleen passed away on September 18th and I am preparing for that. I had an especially difficult time of it last month which marked the second month of her death. That evening there was an incredible full moon pasted against a turbulent sky. I could not take my eyes off of that sight. It seemed that each time I glanced away then looked again only a few seconds later, the vision was different. I was very fragile that night and the beauty and shine of the full moon was powerful to me. It was sending me a message, it was not coincidence that the sky and moon would look like that on that date.p The moon has been a very important symbol to me. Crazy as it sounds, I think it is one of the ways that Coleen and I communicate with each other. She always loved the moon and all of its varied appearances. She loved the light and the full moon was always special to her and she never failed to bring it to my attention. From our second-floor bathroom window, we get a clear look at the night sky and Coleen could often be found there, taking in the magnificence of the moon and surrounding stars. I recall one especially clear night when so many stars were visible. She wondered what she was looking at. I had recently acquired my iPhone and looked for an app to download that might give us that information. Sure enough, I found something called “NightSky” and put it on my phone. A few minutes later, we were holding my phone to the bathroom window and seeing the names of the stars in the sky. Coleen loved that, she loved information and knowledge. NightSky told us where the moon was, too, but we already knew that. It was so bright.p On the night she died, the moon was so big and so brilliant. It wasn’t full until the next night, the 19th of September. But you couldn’t tell that by looking at it. I came home that night and stood in the backyard and stared up at that moon, that beacon of light and hope. I held my arms out and up towards it trying to embrace its power, feeling Coleen streaming to me through the light. Each of us telling the other that it was somehow going to be alright for everyone. The night of my retirement party last month, Lindsay picked me up and the moon was still two days short of being full. It shined brightly on us and gave us the revelation that Coleen was coming to the party with us. I felt her there the entire night. I will never, ever look at the moon again without feeling Coleen through it. Absolutely never.p The moon was full last night, a day before the 18th. It was so cloudy last night, though, that I couldn’t see it. The night before that it was nearly full and very bright and I took some time alone with it. I almost wonder if the clouds from last night weren’t hiding the full moon from me, saving it for tonight instead. Or maybe protecting me? Putting up plywood? It won’t be a full moon tonight but it will be close and I know it will be brilliant. Even if it is still hidden by the clouds, I’ll know it’s there and I will be able to see it.p Today is December 18, 2013. It is three months since I lost the love of my life. One quarter of a year. 90 days. However I measure it, it is an undefinable period of time. It seems like yesterday but it also seems much longer than that. Tonight I will be aware of the clock striking 8:40 PM. I will have plenty of water and canned goods in my pantry and emotional plywood over my windows. Unlike the residents of Florida, I will know the exact time that my storm will reach land. I still won’t be ready for it. pTrackback from your site.