Before and After

I kind of remember what it was like the last time. It’s really not much different than looking at a faded snapshot from a Polaroid camera and trying to decipher what it is you’re looking at. It was so long ago that I lived alone and I’m trying to remember how that felt, how it looked. I’m wondering how different it was then.

I moved to Buffalo from Cleveland in November of 1979. I remember because I was in Buffalo at Thanksgiving and trying to get back to Cleveland for the holiday through a severe snowstorm. I actually lived in Hamburg, NY, a little suburb southwest of downtown Buffalo. I chose Hamburg because it was on the right side of town and I could get home to Cleveland easier. I knew when I moved here that I would be going back frequently. After all, I had a daughter, mother, brothers and friends in Ohio. All I had in New York was a job and an apartment. I didn’t know anybody except some people from work that I was just getting familiar with. I was months away from meeting Coleen and for the most part, I was alone.

Much of that is different now because I know a lot of people. I have family here and some friends and neighbors. I don’t have the same bond with people from work now than I did in 1980 though because I don’t work anymore. That’s a funny thing because I love not working but I do kind of miss some of the conversation, banter and camaraderie of the workday. Now I spend that time either alone or searching for different ways to fill it. Don’t misinterpret this statement, I am not complaining or missing work. I’m just observing the differences.

Back in 1980, back BC (before Coleen), when I lived alone in Hamburg and didn’t know anybody, I had a hard time of it. Before moving here, I had lived alone in a small apartment in Cleveland and loved it. I was then recently single and was living it up. I also had a strong network of family and friends and girlfriends. For the first few months of my new life in Buffalo, I spent a lot of weekends in Cleveland because I knew people there and I was comfortable there. I would drive the 200 miles right from work on a Friday night and get there in time to hit the town or crash at my mom’s apartment. Then I would drive home late Sunday after squeezing in as much fun, family and friendship as I could in one weekend. In Buffalo I was lonely, in Cleveland I was popular. When not in Cleveland, I would often have company from there over the weekends. My mom and daughter came a lot as did a variety of friends.

Technically, I still lived alone after I met Coleen, it just didn’t feel like it then. I mean, we were together so much and she was at my apartment so often, after a while it seemed like she was living with me anyway. Especially after I moved from Hamburg to a duplex no more than seven minutes by car from Coleen’s house. She would come over after work or sometimes already be there when I got home. We would cook dinner (or she would and I would watch), listen to records, watch black and white TV and talk. Always talking about something, that girl. There were many nights that Coleen wouldn’t leave until early the next morning. Bars closed in Buffalo at 4:00 AM and I think that was her excuse with her parents. I loved everything about that time in my life but I could hardly call it living alone.

So now I’m trying to remember what my life was like living alone before I knew her. It was great once we met but not so great before. I remember drinking a lot of scotch then. I didn’t cook anything, eating mostly frozen convenience foods or pizza. I came home from work and listened to records. Of course on most days I didn’t come home from work right away, stopping first for cocktails with Norm and Steve from work. I didn’t do anything closely related to exercise or healthy living. I smoked and drank and didn’t come home at all. Spent what little money I made recklessly. I wasn’t happy.

Living alone today is very different from living alone in 1980. In fact the only thing similar in living alone then and living alone now is that there is no one else in the house. Everything else is so different. This time around I have a whole house, retirement, the internet, DirecTV, Netflix, MP3′s and my iPhone. Technology and information abound. I have better books to read, more movies to watch and home theater equipment. I have knowledge, experience, maturity. I have children, grandchildren, family and friends and a whole history of life right where I sit. And I have my memories. That’s pretty different. And you would think it would be easier.

But back in 1980 when I was living alone and had none of those things, I didn’t know anything about Coleen. I didn’t know that the end of my loneliness was near and I was soon to meet my soul mate. The way I look at it now, that was an advantage to today. Then I was living alone before her. Today I am living alone after her. Even though I was without her in 1980, I didn’t know that. I didn’t know what I was missing because I didn’t know she existed. I didn’t know what good was lying ahead for me, what would make me safe. Things are very different now living on this side of her.

I guess it’s probably me that’s the main difference between 1980 and now. It’s what I’ve learned, how I’ve been loved, what I’ve lost, what I remember. It’s me taking all of those things, taking all of everything, and forming it into the new me. It’s me being on the “before” side of my next chapter. My next adventure.

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