Making Christmas Plans
Today I did things that in previous years Coleen would have done. We are fast approaching the Christmas season, actually we are right in the heart of it, and that was a time that was both stressful and enjoyable to Coleen. As it is to most of us, I guess. Some of the things I did today that she would have done:Today I did things that in previous years Coleen would have done. We are fast approaching the Christmas season, actually we are right in the heart of it, and that was a time that was both stressful and enjoyable to Coleen. As it is to most of us, I guess. Some of the things I did today that she would have done:Talk to Lindsay about hosting the Christmas Day family gathering, what was on the menu and who was bringing what.
Went to the locally owned toy store in our village and bought Christmas gifts for Samantha and Claire.
Reminded myself that Katelyn’s birthday was in a few days and took the appropriate action to get a gift to her on time.
Made a Christmas gift list and purchased or ordered much of what is on it.
Gathered an assortment of toys and clothing to donate to needy children.
Made several year-end charitable contributions.
Gave my niece Mackenzie a ride to work.
Took a Philodendron plant that Coleen loved and nurtured to a florist to get re-potted. It was getting root bound and I didn’t want to lose that plant.
Went to yoga.
Admittedly, not everything listed has to do with Christmas, but they all are things that Coleen would have done instead of me. I would have been at work letting her worry about most of that. Of course now it’s part of the responsibility I have inherited from her. Part of her void that I have shifted to accept. Part of me being a little bit Coleen.
I don’t know what to do about Christmas. I just don’t know. Part of me just wants to cancel it altogether or just sleep through it all. Of course I know that can’t happen. If my brief history since September 18th has taught me anything it’s to not run for cover in times like this. It’s healthier for me to take everything head on and know that my new life is different from my old one was. The difference is I am without her and I have changed and will continue to change as a result.
Part of that change is how I act or who I am on days like Thanksgiving and Christmas or more personal days like birthdays or anniversaries. I had my 60th birthday just a few weeks after Coleen passed and that was a very hard day. Thanksgiving just happened and although I had some very difficult moments that day, on the whole I thought the day went pretty well for me emotionally. I’m nowhere near ready to think about her birthday or our wedding anniversary yet. Those come later.
But isn’t Christmas different? I say yes, it is very different. Christmas isn’t just a day, it’s a season that lasts about a month. There are Christmas things that happen all around us all the time during that interval. Buying gifts, making lists, greeting cards, decorations, trees, wreaths, music, wrapping paper, cookies, shopping, making plans. And that all happens before Christmas Day. Then the 25th comes along and it’s family, gifts, food, wine, laughter and love. But the holiday season doesn’t end there either because we have another week of the Christmas hangover running into New Year’s Eve and Day. I don’t mean to sound bitter because I have mostly enjoyed all of that commotion through the years. But this year, every one of those activities is going to remind me of something Coleen. And it’s not that I don’t want to be reminded, it’s that I don’t want to miss what I’m being reminded of. I don’t want to miss how Coleen was for all those things. She had a certain way of dealing with each one of those activities that was unique to her. Certain ways that I will always cherish, laugh about, and never forget.
Each year she would hand me a pad of paper and a pen and say “Okay, we need to make a list for Christmas,” and I would write everyone’s name and we tried to think of gifts to buy them. Then she would shop intermittently throughout the coming weeks and collect a pile of bags in our bedroom and closet. And somehow that would all turn into a wonderful Christmas. It was not unlike her cooking style in which she would transform a kitchen full of chaos into a beautiful and delicious dinner. Some of the gifts wouldn’t get wrapped until Christmas Day and I had to do most of the wrapping because I “was so much better at it” than her. Although sometimes it seemed haphazard, Coleen always pulled everything together by Christmas Day, including the menu for dinner. That was her self-imposed responsibility and nobody was allowed to mess with that. Sometimes she would tell me in advance what she was planning and I would say “Isn’t that going to be a lot of work?” And she would say “It’ll be fine.” Or when she said she wanted to serve beef tenderloin and I said “Isn’t that going to be expensive?” Her reply? ”Oh, so what, it’s Christmas. And besides, it’s only money and we’ll make more.”
Coleen loved Christmas and making it special. We spent so many Christmases together, this one is going to be unbelievably hard. So many memories to overcome. They are wonderful memories and I know that in time I will look back at them with so much fondness, like I am trying to do here. I’m just not sure if I will be able to conquer all the sadness this year. Last night I was talking to Felicitas, our yoga instructor. She asked me about my plans for the holidays and if I would be with family. I told her that we would all be at Lindsay’s house for Christmas Day and she was very pleased that we would be with Coleen’s parents and family. I said, “Of course, it’ll be just like always except for Coleen not being there. Just like we did at Thanksgiving.” It’s what we do.
And now it’s what we’ll always do. We’ll make plans without her but her influence will always be part of them. We’ll be guided by her and by the comfort of asking “What would Coleen do?” She will always be with us in so many ways.
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