Safe Places

Written by RJ on December 1, 2013. Posted in Discovery, Healing

Maureen is my massage therapist and she is the first person who made me feel safe after Coleen passed. In fact, Maureen was the first person to use the word safe in it’s true context to me. “Don’t worry, Rob. You’re safe here.” And I have felt that ever since. I was there again today with her for my third massage AC. I’m safe with Maureen because she listens to my heart when I talk to her. She hears more than just my words and she understands. I can be emotional when she has her fingers in my hair, I can feel Coleen’s fingers there. Maureen knew Coleen well and she made her safe, too.

I am safe in my bedroom. I was afraid it would be filled with sadness wall to wall, haunting me with pain and anguish through the night. Instead it is a haven of safety and comfort. Where I can go to feel Coleen and remember the hours we shared there talking and laughing. And sometimes more than just that, depending on her mood. It is safe because her things are still there. Her books, her notes, her clothes and items hidden away that I have yet to discover. I will always find her in that room, her bedroom, her space. And I will learn more about her.

I have found safety in our church where people I hardly know put their arms around me and console my sadness. I have gone there alone during weekdays when it was empty and knelt in a pew and prayed for Coleen’s safety, her safe passage to the next stop. I have wiped away tears praying for strength to continue without her and to be strong for my family. I can go there with no preconceptions from anyone. I can sit alone or stand out. I can sing aloud or kneel and cry. I always thought I would be able to go there when Coleen was gone and I would be able to feel her there. I was right about that. She healed there once. We both did and now I am trying again.

I am safe when I go to Reiki and visit Rebecca and when she asks me to tell her how I feel. I am safe when I trust Rebecca to guide me into meditation where I discover things that were undiscoverable to my previous self. Where I can hear the unheard, see with my eyes closed, and fell the breath of a whisper against my cheek. Aware of all. Conscious of nothing. It’s safe to hear her tell me about my changes and encourage me to be confident in my new self.

I am safe when I go to yoga at Healing Waters. It is at a beautiful property alongside a creek and surrounded by trees and it is truly one of Coleen’s special places. When I enter the studio I think of all the moments Coleen spent there, working on her technique and her spirit. Coleen studied yoga for years and it was always a very strong and positive energy for her. When I am there, sharing the same space she once filled, I think of her and I can feel her with me. A few times I have gotten very emotional during the relaxation part of yoga. That’s the time when I creep into a meditative state and let go of being conscious. Sometimes that’s when I can feel her the most.

I am becoming safer in my house, no longer worried about being alone here. It is becoming more of my house with a healthy dose of Coleen and the days of our family and dog living here. There is safety in the memories of those times. There is safety everywhere. And the further along I get in this journey I think more and more places will start to feel safe for me as well.

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