Lord of the Rings
When I was on the beach at Ft. Lauderdale a few weeks ago, I wanted to go in the water. I have never been a very good swimmer and sometimes the ocean is overwhelming to me, but I like to go in about waist deep and let the waves and current have their way with me. It is fun to watch for a big wave and dive into it, feeling the power of the water take control and flip me around but still hanging on to just enough of myself to survive the ocean’s onslaught and find my footing and look for the next wave.I have done that since I was young. The first time was in the Pacific Ocean on the beaches of southern California in 1964. Mostly, though, it has been in various areas of the Atlantic ocean from Maine to the Outer Banks down to several spots in Florida. I love to see the ocean when I first arrive and treat it as an old friend missing so long from my life. And when it’s time to leave and return to my home, I always get a bit melancholy and feel a degree of sadness as I say goodbye. My antidote for that is telling myself that someday, I’ll once again return to see my old friend.
Ever since a week or so after Coleen’s death, I have been wearing her engagement ring and wedding ring on a gold chain around my neck. I almost never take it off and it has been very soothing and comforting for me to feel her rings against my chest. Of course, I had them on in Ft. Lauderdale at the pool and on the beach and was very protective of them. I certainly didn’t want anything weird to happen that would cause the chain to break and the rings to fall off.
At the beach, when I entered the ocean to battle the tide, I did so one-handed. The other hand was constantly hiding the rings from the strength of the water. I held them in my hand as the waves would push me around and knock me underwater. I always ultimately lose my battles to the sea and this was no exception. But trying to defend myself with one hand occupied as a sentry for the rings was taking too much enjoyment from the task. I was so worried about losing them that I couldn’t really sink my teeth into the fun of the ocean. I wasn’t as carefree as I should have been, as I have been in the past. I was holding back.
Then one time just after wading in the ocean, I decided that I would take off the rings and hide them in my belongings on the beach. I was still a little nervous about them there, but as I got back in the water, I was suddenly unburdened, free to frolic in the ocean without fear of losing anything. I was once again the kid in the Pacific in 1964, or on a boogie board with Lindsay and Patrick in Ocracoke 15 years ago. Or just having my own adventure right where I was. It was a lot more fun without the worry, without the rings. I wasn’t holding back.
I don’t always get the symbolism of things although lately, the past three months especially, I have been receiving messages and meanings loud and clear. What could be more symbolic than me not maximizing enjoyment because I was protecting, holding onto, Coleen’s rings and everything they represent to me? Yet when I took them off, when I was released from their responsibility, I could be who I wanted to be. I could do the things that I wanted do and strut this new newness of mine. Even I can figure out that symbolism.
The post just before this one with the quote “Man can not discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore,” has that same symbolism. It’s the same message. So was the reminder I got from Coleen last week to “get going.” I might be a slow learner sometimes, but I’m stating to get the message.
I liked the quote about the man, the oceans and the shore so much that I googled the author, Andre Gide, to see if he had any other quotes that would affect me. How about this one?
“Nothing prevents happiness like the memory of happiness.”
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