Girls Are Smarter Than Boys

Written by RJ on November 25, 2013. Posted in Coleen, Discovery, Healing

Last week I was in a funk. I had a cold, lost my voice to a raspy whisper and was feeling both down and a little sorry for myself. There where events that occurred last week that made me feel even worse and I attribute that to my compromised condition and state of mind. When emotionally healthy, I can overcome many things. When emotionally unhealthy, like last week, I struggle.

Last week I struggled through the 2 month anniversary of Coleen’s passing, the incident in Big Lots with the “Missing You” cards, the threat of losing the contents of my iPhone, and disconnecting Coleen’s phone number. I was also battling a pretty bad cold and lost my voice to a hoarse whisper. I felt extremely out of sorts.

By contrast, today, I feel wonderful. The past several days have been better than the ones before but today, I feel as if my mojo has returned. I am once again walking around confidently and differently than other people, as if I know some secret that they don’t. I am in much better spirits and have handled a couple of situations that reminded me of Coleen much better than I would have the last week. When I heard the Hall and Oates song “She’s Gone” in random play on my iPhone at the gym, I smiled to myself and remembered how much Coleen loved that song. Last week, I would have gone to pieces. Yesterday at church, when we were all kneeling just before the Eucharist and a lone ray of sunlight came through the stained glass window just like at her funeral service, almost teasing me, I held it together. Don’t get me wrong, I teared up a little, Christ, who wouldn’t? But I smiled, too. It was happy and sad at the same time and I knew what it all meant and I was so grateful to feel that. But last week, I might have had to go downstairs to compose myself.

So what happened between last week and this week? Why the sudden composure and understanding of the situation? Well I’m going to give credit to two remarkably intelligent woman. I stumbled into my Reiki session last Friday confused and unbalanced. I was shell-shocked from the series of negative events and my inability to better cope with them. I was still a little sick but it was more my emotional state that I was concerned with.

During Reiki, I have always seen colors behind my closed eyes. I have always been able to breathe properly and to send my breath to different areas of my vessel and to focus it there. That day, because of my cold and difficulty breathing normally, I was uncomfortable breathing into the Reiki and lost much of that experience. As far as the colors, I saw black almost exclusively. I felt that was odd because even when I’m not in a session and I close my eyes, I never just see black. That’s how goofed up and uncentered I was. Rebecca felt it and evidently, so did Coleen who was also in attendance. You know, I hate to keep bringing her up because I know it makes some people uncomfortable and suspect, but when she’s around I think that people should know about it. I felt her very strongly and was on the verge of tears at least three different times. I wanted to see her light through my closed eyes but there was a blockage and I was annoyed by that. Not upset, but annoyed. It was okay though, I can see it the next times.

Rebecca told me that I was right, I was off-balance. She told me to shut down, not to do anything. Don’t try to write, don’t do any work, don’t read. Just watch some movies and eat popcorn but take care of myself and get grounded. She even told me to go outside barefoot and do some standing yoga even though it was about 20 degrees. Rebecca told me that Coleen wasn’t mad but more like frustrated with my state and wanted me to “get going” with things. I took that to mean “get going” with receiving Reiki better, with getting over her and with moving into my new newness. Don’t lose traction. Don’t go backwards. Don’t hold on to what’s no longer there.

That’s my lesson. Everything I was distraught about had to do with not letting go of Coleen. The phone, the phone number, the cards, the two months, the emotions. My truth is I will never get over losing her. My truth is also that she’s gone. I will never be with her like I was for the past 33 years. But she can be remembered without being mourned. She told Rebecca that. Rebecca told me. I got the message and I’m doing much better.

Girls are smarter than boys. Everybody knows that. *

* Coleen Jones, many, many times during our wonderful life together

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