Another New Day
I have been working on changing over my original website to a new domain with a more appropriate name and style. There was probably an easier way to do it but I didn’t know what it was so I did a lot of copy and paste, learning my new environs on the fly.>p> I certainly learned a lot of new things while turning something older into a newer, fresher, more effective vehicle. One of my main motivators for this project was sharing and drawing more attention to my mission which this should achieve. The behind the scenes mechanics of website development is challenging and can be very frustrating at times. It is also extremely rewarding to be able to sit back and say, “Damn, Rob! That looks pretty good!” I am working on being able to say that more often.I learned more than HTML tags and web developer tricks, though. In setting up a new look, I was able to better define my mission. All through much of my journey, I have felt like I have been on the cusp of something. Not quite able to specifically define my role or intent, but certain that I was closing in on it. This project required extensive organizational skills. I really had to think about what I am trying to accomplish with this website. And looking even deeper, with my mission. I am happy with the layout and functionality of this and I believe it now mirrors exactly what I’m trying to say. There was much love between two people. A terrible sickness caused the devastating loss of one. The other has to heal and continue his journey without her. I guess I always knew all that, but it seems more clear to me somehow.
Part of recreating the website was painful as I dealt with photos of Coleen and re-read many of the posts I had written. I should probably take some time and read everything backwards from start to finish. My first post was from Ft. Lauderdale and is dated October 21, 2013. I was sitting on the balcony of a beautiful condo across the street from the Atlantic Ocean, remember? I was becoming one with a brilliant sun rising over the ocean and feeling the inspiration. That’s when I started writing about my feelings and my devastating loss. All the posts I have accumulated since then might read like a short story of a man drifting and wandering about, occasionally finding a railing to balance against before losing a little more traction. Then taking more steps toward healing, learning more, forgetting less. A man determined to survive and grow and find a way to make some kind of difference to somebody.
When I look at those photos of Coleen, I have such mixed emotions. At first, I always smile at them because she’s always smiling in them. It’s almost like I forget she’s gone and I can’t wait to see her again. Phase 2 is the part where I do realize that I’m not going to see again. That she’s gone. It still is so hard for me to believe that. She’s so beautiful and vital and alive in those photos. How can that be over?
So like most other things in my life these days, changing the website came with a range of emotion and discovery. Some good, most of it actually, some not as good. There is a change and a growth and a newness to so many things I have done over the past three months. There is a recurring theme.
Then I get to the part of discovery. That is what everything ultimately comes to. What I discover about myself and what I will gravitate to. When I take all of the lessons I have learned from my writings, from my hurt, from advice and guidance, and most of all, from Coleen. That’s where I feel I am at now. At the intersection of Grief and Discovery. I know enough about pain and loss to turn right on red and take the Discovery highway for a while. Where it’s always a new day with someone new to meet and more things to learn. Less lamenting, more adventure.
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