I was with Coleen today. No, really I was. We met at Maureen’s where I go for massage therapies. Maureen knew I had an appointment today and asked Coleen this morning if she could come too. I don’t think Maureen knew for certain how many guests to expect this morning at 11:00 AM until she started my massage. Then she found out pretty quick.
As for me, I wasn’t expecting anything out of the ordinary. When I first started getting massages, I was silent for the entire session. I wasn’t sure what the protocol was as far as talking and I was comfortable without words, so I did that. But the last few massages with Maureen, we have chatted almost the entire time. I enjoy talking to Maureen and don’t have many opportunities so talking during a massage seemed like a good idea. I was looking forward to a conversation with her again today but something happened to sidetrack that.
Maureen and I spoke briefly at the beginning about some product that makes your back feel better. I wanted to follow that up with something else but suddenly fell silent as if I was muzzled. It was almost as if someone was telling me to stop talking. That nothing I had to say could be as interesting as what was about to happen in the silence. Coleen used to tell me that sometimes, “Stop talking.” I shut up and listened.
Maureen’s hands and touch were familiar to me but felt different. It was her hands on me yet it wasn’t. I felt Coleen touching me through Maureen. It was Coleen’s soothing way of comforting me and she was using Maureen as her channel, her conduit to reach me. It worked. Oh My God! I have felt Coleen’s presence before but never this strongly nor for this length of time. It was a very emotional experience and I was happy to find a box of Kleenex Maureen kept under her massage table.
When it was time for me to roll onto my back, I asked Maureen for a minute to compose myself. I told her that everything today so far was so emotional. She said, “That’s because Coleen is here.”
I was glad Maureen told me that because I certainly felt it. I liked the confirmation from her that it wasn’t just my imagination. I felt Coleen all over me today. I heard her voice through Maureen’s hands and I felt her love and protection keeping me safe. When Maureen leaned into my back with her forearm, it felt like Coleen was climbing on top of me. I told Maureen that this place, the room we were in, was where it all started. This was where I came three days after Coleen’s passing. This was where I first felt her presence. This was where Maureen first said the word “safe” to me. I will never forget her telling me, “It’s alright Rob, you’re safe here.” I was safe here, and I am still safe here. Coleen knows where to meet me.
Maureen finished my massage and it was every bit as mystical on my back as on my belly. Every bit as emotional. She placed my right hand over my heart chakra, then put my left hand on top of that. I felt my own heat transfer from my hands to my heart. It was reiki.
Maureen explained to me afterward that she had asked Coleen to come today. She said sometimes she has a way of influencing spirits but it doesn’t always work. I’m certainly glad it worked today. I don’t know how many people are as fortunate as I am but I can’t believe its more than a handful. And it might be none. I mean, just look at me and the blessings that surround me. I have a team of talent, encouragement, understanding and support that world leaders would envy. I am enveloped by love and compassion. I am so humbled.
Maureen has been with me on my journey since before it even began. She helped Coleen through various massage techniques to comfort her body and soul as her earth journey neared it’s completion. The bond that she and Coleen developed on her massage table remains strong enough for them to communicate even now. She once said to me how much she wished she had known Coleen before Coleen gat sick. I wish they had known each other too because I know they would have been very good friends. Maureen is one of the special ones who understands people and spirituality. She is one of those sages I am so fortunate to know and have in my corner.
I told Maureen today that I loved her and I meant it. I can’t think of a better way to say how I feel about her. It’s the perfect expression. Love doesn’t have to mean being in love. But there is a larger emotion than “like” and for me it’s “love.” And I love Maureen. She brought Coleen to me today, setting us up like it was a blind date. She comforts me and makes me safe and gives me gifts and counsel unimaginable. How could I not love her?
Today I had an appointment with my cardiologist. It was a check-up but actually a little more than that. The last time I saw Dr. Cobler was only six months ago and she had some cause for alarm at that time.
My heart history is not good. In fact, it sucks. My dad, his dad and my mother’s dad all died from heart issues. Congestive heart failures and a heart attack. To top that off, I have had a heart murmur since i was nine as the result of a misdiagnosed strep infection that turned into something called rheumatic fever. That disease is so obsolete these days. I remember having check-up a few years ago and an intern was shadowing my doctor. She was amazed to meet someone still alive who had rheumatic fever. I felt like a dinosaur.
Dr.Cobler didn’t like the looks of my heart’s aortic valve which is the one damaged by the strep infection. There is a lot of scar tissue in that thing and it doesn’t close or seal all the way. That lets blood seep back into the heart chamber that is supposed to be in my circulatory system. The result is a loss of stamina, energy and shortness of breath from time to time. They do annual sonogram type testing on me so that can measure any worsening of the valve’s condition. She didn’t like the last look so she scheduled another one for six months instead of 12. I had that last week and went today for my follow-up to see how I was.
The point of this post is not about my broken heart. I will finish that part of the story though by reporting that Dr. Cobler felt better about the latest echo test and said it actually looked better than the last one. I will someday require a heart valve replacement, but it looks like I can wait a little longer for that.
The point of this post is the conversation I had with Dr. Cobler at the end of my examination. Mind you, she is very busy and always seems to be rushed. Under normal circumstances, the actual time spent with Dr. Cobler is somewhere around 7 minutes, tops. She is very efficient and thorough, but there is little time for extra conversation. Today I pushed that a little bit.
Six months ago when Dr. Cobler voiced her concerns about my heart valve, I kept everything to myself. Coleen was very sick and I was very consumed by that. There was no reason for Coleen to know about my doctor’s concerns so I didn’t say anything to her or anyone else. I barely thought about it myself. I also didn’t say anything to my doctor at that time about Coleen’s condition. Everything was between me and myself. Coleen never knew about Dr.Cobler and Dr. Cobler never knew about Coleen.
I was nervous before seeing my doctor today because I had no idea what I was going to hear. The news was better than I thought it would be but I still have a chronic situation that is serious and will not get better. I will ultimately need open heart surgery. But that aside, before Dr. Cobler concluded with me,I opened up to her. They are always interested in what’s happening in the patient’s life that might be causing stress or a change in lifestyle so I told her that I was no longer working and that I had lost my wife. Dr. Cobler immediately put her schedule on hold, expressed how sorry she was, and listened to me. I told her about Coleen and I being in love and her being sick and me losing her. I talked about my journey in and out of stress and grief. I brought up how special Coleen was and how I was being helped by a reiki practitioner and a massage therapist and other people I keep meeting as I go.
Dr. Cobler was very interested in what I had to say. When I mentioned my feelings on men stifling their emotions and keeping things inside, she commented on how bad that is for their physical being as well as their mental state. She was intrigued about reiki as a healer and how I was progressing through my loss. It wasn’t like she set aside time to have lunch with me, but we had a pretty good and unrushed conversation about death and healing. I felt very good about that.
I felt good that she listened and was interested in what I had to say. I think I might have told her some things that she was not aware of. That’s hard to do with a doctor. Not only are they very intelligent but sometimes seem reluctant to accept information from outside their networks of mainstream. Like what I was talking about. Because of my conversation with Dr. Cobler and her reaction to it, I left her office with a reinforced sense of purpose and commitment. I felt like I got through to her on some level. I felt like another little piece of my message was developed and delivered to someone significant. Someone else who could make a difference and who would look good as a member of my network.
I always try to keep my ears and eyes open for messages. In the last three days I have seen or heard several things that I have interpreted as messages meant for me. A wise sage once told me that if seems like a message, it is a message and I have subscribed to that belief ever since.
I found this on facebook two days ago. It is the quote from Glinda, the good witch, to Dorothy about her red slippers. Glinda said, “You’ve always had the power, my dear. You just had to learn it for yourself.” Is that right? Do we all possess the power lying dormant somewhere inside us? Are we all learning the lessons necessary to unleash it and let good come from it? Do we know when we have the knowledge or is it just automatically released when the time is right? I believe all those questions apply to me and my answers are yes to all of them except the last one. That answer is we don’t get to decide when we have learned enough to recognize our power. It decides for us.
At my reiki therapy and consultation three days ago, Rebecca and I spent considerable time discussing some of my discoveries and where they might be leading me. We are both excited about my future in writing, speaking and communicating my message to those who have also suffered loss. Rebecca is very encouraging and supportive and keeps telling me that I have something special happening. Just as we were sitting down for our post-reiki debriefing, she held out a small box of cards and told me to select one. I took one from the middle of the box and she opened it to find a quote from Walt Disney, “If you can dream it, you can do it.” Disney took a lot of criticism for his dreams but he stayed true to himself and accomplished much more than anyone thought he would. I’ll never approach Walt Disney’s accomplishments, but a dream is a dream.
An article I read recently listed several ways that the spirit of a departed loved one communicates to those of us left behind. According to the article, one of the most common methods is through song and music. II now that my daughter Lindsay feels that her mom talk to her through the car radio,sending her sial songs at species times. I recall one incident after Coleen’s funeral brunch. We had all gathered at Lindsay’s house and I was tired and emotionally drained and took a few minutes to lie down on her living room couch. She had her television tuned to a music channel and as I was face up on her couch, the bright sun flickered through the leaves on a tree in her front yard. The sunlight was playing peek-a-boo through the leaves, alternately shining brightly in my eyes then hiding behind a leaf. A new song came on the television called “Blinded by the Light.”
Today I was driving to church with a Pandora music channel playing in my car. The second or third song that came on was “This Must Be Love,” by Ricki Lee Jones. It is a fairly obscure song and there is nothing profound about the lyrics. But Coleen and I always played a lot of Ricki Lee Jones music and this song was especially meaningful to us. It was part of the soundtrack of our life together. When it first came on today, I reached for the button that would skip the current song and play the next one. I loved the song but didn’t think I was ready to hear it yet. Then I stopped myself and let the song play and let myself melt into the memory of it. I laughed into the subtle tears that leaked from my eyes as I remembered the times that song played in our house.
As if that wasn’t enough, the next song to play was. Coleen wasn’t as much of a Fleetwood Mac fan as I am but she liked much of their music. One of my favorite songs is called “Gypsy” and it’s one of those Stevie Nicks classics that kind of keeps moving along and has abstract, mystical lyrics. I have heard “Gypsy” hundreds of times but for some reason, it sounded a little different when it came on today. Maybe it was my state of mind from the song before or maybe it was me remembering the times that Coleen dressed as a gypsy for Halloween parties. Or maybe it was the new message I was hearing. The song lyrics as a whole make little sense to me but there are several lines of lyrics that are very much on point and seem to have new expression for me today:
She is dancing away from you now
She was just a wish
And her memory is all that is left for you now
Lightning strikes
Maybe once maybe twice
And it all comes down to you
I still see your bright eyes bright eyes
And I’ve always loved you
And it all comes down to you
It all comes down to you
Directions, instructions, advice, guidance? Messages in music? From facebook and tear-open thought-provoking cards? In the moon and in my dreams? The messages are everywhere. All I have to do is pay attention and let my awareness work.
Sometimes I have so many things running through my head that I get confused and some of my thoughts get misplaced. You wouldn’t think that a retired guy would have so many things to think about, but I do. I’m not talking so much about the routine tasks of life, like shopping, cleaning, cooking and laundry. I’m talking more about my new tasks of growth and discovery. I am trying to put those things in some kind of context and keep them there. That is becoming more difficult because I keep developing more and varied ideas and I try to fit them in with the main flow of things. I am usually a very organized person and I’m stretching the limits of that ability to keep things flowing.
Coleen had a habit of making notes to herself containing reminders of things she needed or wanted to do. Those notes could be found mostly at her bedside or in the kitchen on our counter. Sometimes they resembled a shopping list and other times just seemed like a rambling stream of expression. They helped her with her life, though and I am still finding them in random places. I have also adopted that technique so that I can protect some of the fleeting thoughts that dance through my consciousness from escaping through some secret tunnel in my brain. If I don’t write these thoughts down as I encounter them, I might never get them back and I am so selfish about memories and messages these days, I can’t let that happen.
I am troubled by my inability so far to properly define my new role. I am anxious to not just define it, but to develop and activate it. I seem to have a vision but it’s still a little blurry. I get a little closer to the target then get sidetracked by a different set of thoughts. That’s where the organizational part of this comes in handy. And where my business experience can help me.
In my previous life as a working member of society and contributor to our economic system, I was employed in a management position. And in that role two jobs ago, I was often called upon for my input in developing and implementing corporate strategy. I enjoyed that and became very good at it as I quickly learned the methods and tools used to map out strategies for success. I don’t mean to turn my personal growth and discovery process into a marketing plan, but there are lessons I learned from those days that can be valuable to me now.
When I attended the strategic meetings with the company management and ownership, there were always several flip charts mounted on easels positioned about the room. And some masking tape and a pile of magic markers in various colors. I wondered what method that madness provided and quickly found out that their concept was to make everything visible. So when a statement was made or an idea expressed that seemed worthy of further discussion, it was written down on one of the flip charts and kept for future reference. Once a page was filled it would be torn from the chart and taped to the wall. Always visible. Always there to be looked at and reminded of and added to. And they were always organized into “small, manageable units” so the overall task would never be overwhelming. I have that in my office. One flip chart, one roll of masking tape, three markers and three pages torn off and taped to the wall so far. It helps me to capture and organize my thoughts just like Coleen used to do for herself with her lists.
Another tool used in these sessions was the creation of a list titled “What Learned.” This list would also be taped to the wall and would be a running list of items or revelations uncovered during the sessions. These were basically lessons learned while conversing and brainstorming and were usually turned into opportunities. I have one of those on my office wall too and it is a full-page list of things I have learned and continue to learn on my journey. I now need a second page and probably will need more after that. The learning never seems to stop. For my purpose, these lessons create not only opportunity but become part of my discovery process as well.
Many of the methods and planning exercises I learned in those corporate meetings translate well to Love, Loss & Healing. Instead of increasing profits, I am trying to develop ways to increase awareness. It’s a totally different purpose but there’s no reason I can’t use some of the same infrastructure to get there. It’s not being used by anyone else anymore so I might as well claim it for my own. The way I see it, in order to get myself more organized and focused I need to have some kind of mission statement or goal or idea of what I’m after. What am I?.
I am a communicator of life lessons learned through the loss of my soul mate and the discoveries I have made since. Through written and spoken expressions, I actively seek out those who have experienced loss in an effort to provide comfort, resource and enlightenment to them. I constantly seek knowledge from sages, practitioners and organizations and strive to build networks of knowledge to better communicate my truths of love, loss, healing and discovery.
Well, that feels better. Concise and to the point. It’s exactly what I’ve been aiming at and what I’ve been trying to say all these months. I’ve touched on all those points at different times but never forced myself to think it through and wrap it all up into a simple statement. The best part of having a mission statement or a strategic direction, is that it provides the reference point, the definition of who you are and what your purpose is. Once you have that, it becomes much easier to stay on track. Once you have that, you can measure all your decisions against the mission. Does it fit or does it not? Almost like being in business.
I have heard two people mention public speaking to me recently. They are both very wise sages and I have absolute trust in their words. I have had several people say that I will be writing a book and I am already working on that. I have met many interesting people of resource and have plans to meet many more. I have a website and business cards and a desire for discoveries that I can share. All those things, every one of them, is a direct hit on that mission statement. It’s my new discovery, it’s what I am.
I have been working on changing over my original website to a new domain with a more appropriate name and style. There was probably an easier way to do it but I didn’t know what it was so I did a lot of copy and paste, learning my new environs on the fly.>p>
I certainly learned a lot of new things while turning something older into a newer, fresher, more effective vehicle. One of my main motivators for this project was sharing and drawing more attention to my mission which this should achieve. The behind the scenes mechanics of website development is challenging and can be very frustrating at times. It is also extremely rewarding to be able to sit back and say, “Damn, Rob! That looks pretty good!” I am working on being able to say that more often.
I learned more than HTML tags and web developer tricks, though. In setting up a new look, I was able to better define my mission. All through much of my journey, I have felt like I have been on the cusp of something. Not quite able to specifically define my role or intent, but certain that I was closing in on it. This project required extensive organizational skills. I really had to think about what I am trying to accomplish with this website. And looking even deeper, with my mission. I am happy with the layout and functionality of this and I believe it now mirrors exactly what I’m trying to say. There was much love between two people. A terrible sickness caused the devastating loss of one. The other has to heal and continue his journey without her. I guess I always knew all that, but it seems more clear to me somehow.
Part of recreating the website was painful as I dealt with photos of Coleen and re-read many of the posts I had written. I should probably take some time and read everything backwards from start to finish. My first post was from Ft. Lauderdale and is dated October 21, 2013. I was sitting on the balcony of a beautiful condo across the street from the Atlantic Ocean, remember? I was becoming one with a brilliant sun rising over the ocean and feeling the inspiration. That’s when I started writing about my feelings and my devastating loss. All the posts I have accumulated since then might read like a short story of a man drifting and wandering about, occasionally finding a railing to balance against before losing a little more traction. Then taking more steps toward healing, learning more, forgetting less. A man determined to survive and grow and find a way to make some kind of difference to somebody.
When I look at those photos of Coleen, I have such mixed emotions. At first, I always smile at them because she’s always smiling in them. It’s almost like I forget she’s gone and I can’t wait to see her again. Phase 2 is the part where I do realize that I’m not going to see again. That she’s gone. It still is so hard for me to believe that. She’s so beautiful and vital and alive in those photos. How can that be over?
So like most other things in my life these days, changing the website came with a range of emotion and discovery. Some good, most of it actually, some not as good. There is a change and a growth and a newness to so many things I have done over the past three months. There is a recurring theme.
Then I get to the part of discovery. That is what everything ultimately comes to. What I discover about myself and what I will gravitate to. When I take all of the lessons I have learned from my writings, from my hurt, from advice and guidance, and most of all, from Coleen. That’s where I feel I am at now. At the intersection of Grief and Discovery. I know enough about pain and loss to turn right on red and take the Discovery highway for a while. Where it’s always a new day with someone new to meet and more things to learn. Less lamenting, more adventure.
I found this on facebook two days ago. It is the quote from Glinda, the good witch, to Dorothy about her red slippers. Glinda said, “You’ve always had the power, my dear. You just had to learn it for yourself.” Is that right? Do we all possess the power lying dormant somewhere inside us? Are we all learning the lessons necessary to unleash it and let good come from it? Do we know when we have the knowledge or is it just automatically released when the time is right? I believe all those questions apply to me and my answers are yes to all of them except the last one. That answer is we don’t get to decide when we have learned enough to recognize our power. It decides for us.