Oh, Baby

Written by RJ on January 1, 2014. Posted in Coleen, Healing

We had fun talking, eating, drinking and playing darts. The Spanglers were in pajamas which was kind of funny. We celebrated the New Year with some champagne I brought. It was Great Western Brut just like you and I used to drink in the old days.

It’s hard for me to go to parties now. Not that I have been to that many. But when I go somewhere alone that you and me always went to, it is very hard for me. I try to be brave like Samantha does when she sees Santa Claus. I try to take a lesson from her.

It’s hard for me to go to parties without you because you were always the best part of the party for me. It didn’t matter where the party was or what it was for or who else was there. I always knew that if we were there together, it would be fun. We might wander off separately to different people and conversations or different rooms. But we always found each other. We were always close at hand. And when it was time to leave, we just knew. We sensed it in each other. Sometimes I would give you my little signal where I would stick out my pointer finger and rotate my wrist in a circle to say silently “let’s go.” You always smiled at that and were ready to leave anyway. I always loved to make you smile.

I felt a little awkward tonight sometimes. Being alone with couples, couples that we were a part of. I think it was awkward for our friends at first, too. Bob and Mary hadn’t seen me since September and probably weren’t sure what to expect. I could have been a drunk or else lost in sadness and emotion. As you would expect, I was none of that and the evening went well with friendship and laughter. Don’t get the idea that you weren’t mentioned a lot though, because you were. I even got to tell the story of how you and I met and courted and got engaged. I love that story and am getting better and better at telling it. We toasted you at midnight and missed you the rest of the time. Everyone misses you. Everyone.

I came home from New Years Eve alone for the first time in 33 years. I have been doing a lot of things for the first time in 33 years. I was tired and went to bed, just like we always did. And I got up the next morning to start the new year. Alone. Not like we always did. I remember sometimes when I made you mad and we made up and sometimes you would hold me and say “What am I going to do with you?” I always felt better when you said that. It made me feel safe and protected and loved.

Say it now, please. Hold me, ask me, “What am I going to do with you?.”

Oh, Baby.

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