Here It Comes … Again

I know I have written about this subject before but I don’t care. It is so important to me and my family that I am going to write about one last time … for now at least.

Lindsay is the one who first noticed it. She feels that her mom talks to her through music, especially when she is driving alone without her daughters. That is the time when Lindsay is least distracted and has the most awareness. One of the songs that Lindsay heard frequently was the Beatles classic “Here Comes the Sun,” written by George Harrison. Legend has it that Harrison wrote the song at Eric Clapton’s house after a harsh England winter and during some internal struggles with the business side of the music business. It was his optimistic plea for better days.

During the past year, I have heard that song more than any music. Admittedly, I have chosen to play it frequently but there have been many occasions when it has just presented itself almost at random, almost just barely noticeable in the background. Many of those times have been during family gatherings, others have been much more private listenings at opportune times. I know that our entire family has heard Here Comes the Sun” frequently and I believe passionately that it is not a coincidence. Strange as it might sound, I concur with Lindsay that hearing that song is in fact a message from Coleen.

So what’s the message? What part of the lyrics is so specific to our situation? To me, it’s all of it. There are really only three different lines to the entire song plus the chorus of “Here comes the sun and I say, it’s alright.” The lines, each preceded by “Little darling,” are “It’s been a long, dark, lonely winter,” “The smiles are returning to their faces,” and “I feel like ice is slowly melting.” And then each of those lines is followed by a variation of “It seems like years since it’s been here.” Pretty simple stuff for such a classic and legendary song. Here’s how I interpret those words and personalize them as a message to me:

The “long, lonely, winter” is Coleen’s death. The “smiles returning to their faces” is the healing process I am going through. I also think of my granddaughters when I hear this line as they have especially taken to this song which they refer to as “The Sun Song.” And of course “I feel that ice is slowly melting” is an extension of my getting better and moving on with my life. The Sun? That’s the newness, the hope for better days, the discovery that I have many discoveries to make. The sun is my optimism for strength, courage, relationship, and love. The sun is Coleen winking at me, telling me it’s getting better and it’s okay to move forward. The sun is also the newness rising in my life, people, places, endeavors.

The most recent time I heard HCTS was one week ago. Lindsay invited me for dinner and not just me, but she asked me to bring my friend Ruth with me. Ruth and I have been together all summer and although Lindsay and I have talked about her a few times, they had not met. Shortly after we arrived, I heard it. It was playing in the kitchen on the internet service “Songza” through a bluetooth speaker I had given her for a Christmas gift. I don’t know who else heard the song but I did. I smiled and took in the music and the words and the message. That interpretation had me thinking that truly, it can be alright.

Coleen has sent that song to me many times. I thought maybe it was time for me to send it back to her. A little bit modified, a little bit personalized. It’s sung to her, to my family, to myself, and to the new people in my life.

Electric Bills & School Buses

Last week I got my monthly electric bill in my email. It was $194.62 which is more than double what it normally is. I looked into it and found two different issues that caused my bill to be so extravagant. First of all, my energy supplier was charging me about twice the market value of energy which I corrected by canceling my service with them and selecting a more competitive supplier. Secondly, the electric company apparently misread my meter because they showed my electric consumption as being much higher than it actually was. After talking with one of their customer service reps, I learned that they had estimated my consumption based upon the energy I used for the same month last year. She explained to me that there was a “spike” in my usage last August and they assumed I would be using a comparable amount of electricity this year. Well, I won’t be. The “spike” that she referred to was indeed real but it won’t be reproduced this year. Last year I had an oxygen machine running in the kitchen 24 hours a day with a long tube that reached to the living room and all the way to the second floor where the main bathroom is at. At the other end of that tube was Coleen as she struggled through the final weeks and days of her life.

I am reminded of Coleen’s death in many different ways. The void in my house and my heart, the sadness in my daughter’s eyes, my granddaughters’ precious attempts to understand heaven, the awkward ways of some people to reconcile the loss. Now I have a brand new reminder of her death from an unexpected source: my electric bill.

So, has it been a year? Really? In less than two weeks an entire year will have elapsed since Coleen died. I know because I am almost counting down the days to September 18, 2014 which marks the one year anniversary of her passing. Of course I have known from the beginning that this milestone day was looming in my future without being reminded by my electric bill. How did I, how did we, get this far along without Coleen with us. How did we manage to do the things we have without her? Holidays, birthdays, special days, every days? It doesn’t feel like it all the time, some days I don’t think of her as much as other days. But she is always gone, she’s never there, and she is always missed.

Yesterday was one of those days that Coleen was conspicuously absent from. It was Samantha’s first day of school. You know the one where parents and sometimes grandparents hover around the kid waiting for the school bus. Then take pictures and videos of them getting on the bus and feeling so proud but at the same time a little melancholy because they wonder how that little girl got so beautiful and so big so fast and where does that time go to? Days like that, events like that were so special to Coleen and it seems like punishment for the rest of us not to be able to see the smile she would have worn and felt the love and pride she would have shown as Samantha waited for and then boarded her bus.

I thought of my daughter Lindsay and what she must have felt yesterday morning. I know she misses her mom so much and it is just unfair for her to go through days like this without sharing them with her. Unfair, cruel, painful.

I was in charge of recording the video part of yesterday’s memory. As I followed Samantha and Lindsay across the street, capturing the moment on my iPhone, I realized that it wasn’t that long ago that Lindsay was the one with the backpack and the unsure smile getting her picture taken on the stairs of the bus. It wasn’t that long ago, was it? Not unless you consider 27 years to be a long time. My memory of Lindsay and Coleen that morning is very vivid to me after all this time and I am happy about that. I expect my memory of Lindsay and Samantha from yesterday will also stay with me forever or 27 years, whichever comes first for me. It will always be just a little bit tarnished though, just because of that one missing person.

My countdown to September 18th is on. I am not planning any type of family gathering and I feel that day should be spent in a more personal setting than with a group. I have scheduled a much-needed reiki session for that day and not much else although I’m sure I will visit the cemetery at least once. One thing for certain is that I will not forget about that day. Not with reminders from weird places like electric bills and school buses.

Just Her Style

Coleen liked things simple. She was not one to insist on things being over the top or complicated. Words like glamorous, ornate, ostentatious and glitzy would never be used to describe her. She was quietly beautiful and had her own relaxed style, subdued, understated and easy. She dressed that way, decorated that way and lived her life that way.

I kept her style in mind through all of the events that occurred after her death. From the funeral service and luncheon that followed to the committal of her ashes to the ground several months later and all those milestone days in between, I always kept in mind how she would have wanted it. Through all of those events and days, I constantly made decisions by asking myself “What would Coleen do, what would she want?” I usually made pretty quick and solid decisions by answering those questions to myself. I’m not sure she would have agreed to everything I did but I feel that I got close enough that all in all, she would have been happy.

I delayed the final symbolic gesture of Coleen’s death until just recently. Because it took me almost six months to part with the urn that contained her ashes and have a ceremony where it was buried, I had not made arrangements for her gravestone marker. Shortly after the burial in April, I began the process for her stone. And of course, I had several choices to make about that. What size, what color, what should it say, should my name be on it too, where to buy it. I felt a little overwhelmed at times because, after all, this was going to be the final statement about Coleen. This was going to mark the spot where her ashes were buried and was going to be what people would see when they came to remember her. I wanted it to be special and I wanted it to be right.

This is another one of those places where I wish I could have talked to Coleen because she would have known exactly what to do. Instead I talked to other people and solicited their opinions. I asked my daughter, Coleen’s sister, my brother, some friends and of course the guy who owned the store I was buying the stone from. My best source was when I walked around the cemetery and looked at other stones. That is what convinced me to make the size, design, and wording decisions I did. There were two things I added to the standard design that make Coleen’s stone unique to her. I added the flower that she drew that day with our granddaughter, Samantha and I also added a biblical quote, “Let light perpetual shine upon them.” Coleen was all about light and it seemed fitting to include that on her marker. It took much longer to get the stone finished and delivered than the store initially promised. I was patient at first but got a little anxious after waiting months instead of weeks. I wanted it in place before the anniversary of her death which was fast approaching.

A few days ago I was on my way to an event but I stopped at the cemetery to see if Coleen’s stone had been delivered. The store owner had promised me it would be there that morning but I was still kind of skeptical. As I drove closer to her plot I saw that it did indeed look different and that the stone was there. Brand new and shiny, it looked beautiful and I knew Coleen would have liked it very much. I sent texts out to her parents, sister and our daughter announcing that her stone was finally in place and that they should come visit. My daughter brought her daughters later that day and told me that the stone was the prettiest one in the whole cemetery. The girls picked some dandelions and put them on the stone. I was away a few days but when I came back I went to see the stone again. It is beautiful. I traced the flower with my fingertip and held the palm of my other hand over her name like I was administering reiki to it and felt the warmth through the coolness of the stone. I have been to Coleen’s grave countless times since she was buried but never did I feel the emotion of that day. Not even when I was there on our wedding anniversary. I guess it was the wording and the dates and just seeing it carved in that stone for me to read. I guess it was that and the flower that brought it all together for me. Coleen was really gone and she was not coming back and that was final. Yes, I already knew all that but it was different. You know that saying people use when they mean something’s not definite? “It’s not carved in stone.” Well, Coleen’s name was carved in stone and it wasn’t going to change. You can call it closure, maybe. I think it is that and I think it will help her parents and family with their closures as well.

I left Coleen’s grave and stone that day with mixed feelings. Sad that the whole affair was necessary but happy with my efforts and the result. The stone was the final piece of my responsibility to Coleen and her family. When I selected and designed the stone, I thought of her style, her ways, her wishes. How could I best memorialize her in such a small space? I am certain she would be very pleased with her stone, it’s just her style.

Coleen's Stone

11 Months

It was all so easy before. Everything was stable, decided, determined, and understood. When Coleen was alive, it was all so different. I realized how different things have become since she died 11 months ago today. I realized it when I was kneeling at her grave site trying to talk to her and hoping that she was somehow hearing me. I make decisions now that I would have never dreamed of making before. I won’t say that Coleen made all of our decisions because she didn’t. Most of them we made together by discussing and compromising. Many decisions I have to make now would have never presented if she was still alive. Our lives together were established and fairly routine. Not boring, just every day items that you get accustomed to after 33 years of seeing each other day. I never had to decide what to do for holidays or what to buy for a gift. Now I decide what food to buy, where to go on dates, what family parties to attend, where to go for holidays. I have an opportunity to spend Thanksgiving in Florida with Ruth Ann and her family and I am deciding on doing that or doing what I have done for the last 30+ years. Tough call which of course I would never had to make with Coleen. I have been with people I would have never met before. I have an entirely different set of people in my life since Coleen was here. My affiliation with the Buffalo Wellness Center and the Breast Cancer Network of Western New York as a member of their Board of Directors has enabled me to meet brand new people. And they are all very enthusiastic and passionate about their work and their cause. It is a pleasure to be around such upbeat and committed people. I have also recently met a wonderful woman who I am getting to know better. This weekend she invited me to a wedding where I met her entire family and it is a big one. My affiliation with Coleen’s family has waned somewhat since she has been gone. People get busy, myself included, and we just don’t seem to get together as much. Part of my problem is my relationship with my girlfriend because I can not yet introduce her to people like Coleen’s parents or other family members. So I can’t really combine things like I would like to. I want that to change and expect it to shortly.:00 I do things I would have had neither time nor inspiration for. Today, on the 11 month anniversary of her death, I spent much of the morning writing a song. That’s right, a song. Words and music, verses and a chorus. Not only was it a song but it was a love song but not for Coleen. I feel guilty about that but then I don’t. Then I decide that I really don’t know at all how I should feel about it. Truth is, I am happy whenever I write anything and to wake up and write a song is amazing to me. The inspiration moving me to do that seems cosmic to me. Almost like it is some kind of divine force willing me to figure out the words and emotions and feelings and then to somehow fit all that around a few guitar chords that make up a rough melody. I’m not sure I get how that all works but I guess I don’t have to. My favorite musical artist, Neil Young, speaks about something he calls “the Muse.” It is the force that visits him when he writes a song and the source for his inspiration. He says that when the muse is suddenly present, he makes himself alone and lets the song happen. Neil claims that he is the conduit between the muse and the recording and that the song writes itself. I felt a little bit like that today although Neil makes money with his songs and so far, I’m just making videos for my girlfriend. It is hard to fathom that I have been 11 months now without Coleen. The only thing harder will be when I have been one year without her. And that is coming up all too soon. On July 18 which was the 10 month anniversary, I actually forgot about it. I woke up the next morning and realized that I missed the 18th. I have done that one time earlier this year and felt badly about not acknowledging those days. After last months mistake, I set an appointment in my iPhone to remind me at 8:00 AM on August 18 that it was 11 months that day. Kind of ridiculous that I would have to do that I suppose but I would rather rely on technology than forget another month. Maybe in a way it’s a good thing to forget once in a while. Maybe it’s a little sign of progress on this journey. I will never forget my Coleen and I won’t need to set an appointment reminder for next month.

My New Bedroom

A few months after Coleen passed away, I rearranged our/my bedroom. It was the last room in the house to go through changes because I always considered it the most sacred part of our house. After all, it was the place where we had our most intimate moments and by that I don’t mean sexually. It was where we shared the most of ourselves and talked about our fears, dreams and secrets. We cried there, we laughed, we argued and we planned. For a long time after she died, I did nothing to that room except clean it, make the bed and change the sheets. I left the rest of it intact as it was the day she left it for the last time. There were books stacked on the floor with random magazines mixed in. The tope of her dresser was cluttered with medicine, jewelry, perfumes, notes, and all kinds of miscellaneous items. I got rid of the medecines and all things that had to do with sickness and cancer but I left everything else. Then one day, probably during the fifth month without her, I started thinking about changing the bedroom. So I did. It wasn’t drastic but I moved the bed to another location and put a different comforter on it. I moved a dresser and the television. I took down a big mirror and replaced it with a print I have of the 16th hole at Augusta National where they play the Masters golf tournament every year. I changed a couple of other wall hangings. I grew to like the new look and for some reason it made me feel like I was making progress with my healing. Whether it really helped or not wasn’t important. Only that I thought it did. Eventually I removed all of Coleen’s things from the room. Her books, her clothes, her notes. Then later I even took our brass bed down and traded it for a queen bed without a headboard that had been in a guest room. It became my room which was kind of ironic because Coleen always referred to our bedroom as “my bedroom” as in “Oh I think I left that up in my bedroom.” We always joked about that. I am writing all this because two days ago I re-rearranged what is now my bedroom. I don’t know why I did it but I had an overwhelming urge to put things back where they had been. Something was suddenly haunting me about what the bedroom had become. It was darker and a little more masculine because of a brown comforter on the bed. The bed itself was too big and looked stupid without a headboard and footboard. So I took down the queen bed. I reinstalled our/my brass bed in the exact same location we always had it and I put the off-white comforter back on the bed. I rehung the artwork on the wall behind the bed and put the pillows with the red shams back where they came from. Some of the other furniture is in a different place than when it was in Coleen’s bedroom and I have different art on the walls but it feels more like it used to. It’s the same in some ways but different enough in others. Why did I do that? For one thing, it looks a lot better. I like the look and feel of it. I am sleeping in the same place I did when she was alive, when she was in bed with me. Coleen will never be back but someone else will and I feel that I need to make room for her and to make it right for her. The room seems pure now, like it’s ready for a new beginning. It’s not a virgin bedroom but it appears fresh and revitalized. I very much like how it looks now and I am very careful to take care of it and keep it especially neat and pristine. It is a special room to me and it always will be. My bedroom is like so much of my life now. The same only different. I like things like that. People used to tell me about something called a “new normal” and I was never sure what that was supposed to mean. I guess I am getting closer to that though without fully understanding it.