This is a drawing of me that Coleen and Samantha did together. I wasn’t actually there when they did it, but it looks to me like Coleen did the outline and Samantha colored inside the lines. I like how I am represented with my curly gray hair, blue eyes, glasses, yellow neck to match my shorts, and what appears to be a bottle of either beer or root beer in my hand. Probably beer and judging from the color of the bottle it’s either a Molson’s or maybe Sam Adams. Wonder how Samantha picked that color.
I found this artwork lying around the kitchen after they created it and made sure that it went somewhere special. It meant a lot to me but I didn’t have time to properly deal with it then so I put it away until I was in the right frame of mind to bring it out. I’m glad I waited because back then, I didn’t have a venue like this to show it off. Now it’s on the whole internet and everyone can see what great artists I hang out with. I just wish those girls would have signed their work. Much more authentic that way.
Not many people know that Coleen always wanted to be an artist. Except maybe me and her friend Sue, the Painter. Coleen took some art classes and purchased an easel and a bunch of paints and art supplies. I always thought she had a gift but she never made a very big priority of it. If I could guess, I would say that it is something she wished she spent more time on instead of working so hard.
I still have all of those art supplies here. There are colored pencils, paper, lots of paint and brushes and that easel, too. Some are in the basement and some are upstairs in a closet. Someday soon, I will give them all to the Girls so they can play with Grandma’s unfulfilled hobby. I know she would like that. Just some more gifts she left behind.
The title of this post is something that Coleen taught me many times in our 33 years together. I didn’t always need reminded but she never missed the opportunity.
Last week I was in a funk. I had a cold, lost my voice to a raspy whisper and was feeling both down and a little sorry for myself. There where events that occurred last week that made me feel even worse and I attribute that to my compromised condition and state of mind. When emotionally healthy, I can overcome many things. When emotionally unhealthy, like last week, I struggle.
Last week I struggled through the 2 month anniversary of Coleen’s passing, the incident in Big Lots with the “Missing You” cards, the threat of losing the contents of my iPhone, and disconnecting Coleen’s phone number. I was also battling a pretty bad cold and lost my voice to a hoarse whisper. I felt extremely out of sorts.
By contrast, today, I feel wonderful. The past several days have been better than the ones before but today, I feel as if my mojo has returned. I am once again walking around confidently and differently than other people, as if I know some secret that they don’t. I am in much better spirits and have handled a couple of situations that reminded me of Coleen much better than I would have the last week. When I heard the Hall and Oates song “She’s Gone” in random play on my iPhone at the gym, I smiled to myself and remembered how much Coleen loved that song. Last week, I would have gone to pieces. Yesterday at church, when we were all kneeling just before the Eucharist and a lone ray of sunlight came through the stained glass window just like at her funeral service, almost teasing me, I held it together. Don’t get me wrong, I teared up a little, Christ, who wouldn’t? But I smiled, too. It was happy and sad at the same time and I knew what it all meant and I was so grateful to feel that. But last week, I might have had to go downstairs to compose myself.
So what happened between last week and this week? Why the sudden composure and understanding of the situation? Well I’m going to give credit to two remarkably intelligent woman. I stumbled into my Reiki session last Friday confused and unbalanced. I was shell-shocked from the series of negative events and my inability to better cope with them. I was still a little sick but it was more my emotional state that I was concerned with.
During Reiki, I have always seen colors behind my closed eyes. I have always been able to breathe properly and to send my breath to different areas of my vessel and to focus it there. That day, because of my cold and difficulty breathing normally, I was uncomfortable breathing into the Reiki and lost much of that experience. As far as the colors, I saw black almost exclusively. I felt that was odd because even when I’m not in a session and I close my eyes, I never just see black. That’s how goofed up and uncentered I was. Rebecca felt it and evidently, so did Coleen who was also in attendance. You know, I hate to keep bringing her up because I know it makes some people uncomfortable and suspect, but when she’s around I think that people should know about it. I felt her very strongly and was on the verge of tears at least three different times. I wanted to see her light through my closed eyes but there was a blockage and I was annoyed by that. Not upset, but annoyed. It was okay though, I can see it the next times.
Rebecca told me that I was right, I was off-balance. She told me to shut down, not to do anything. Don’t try to write, don’t do any work, don’t read. Just watch some movies and eat popcorn but take care of myself and get grounded. She even told me to go outside barefoot and do some standing yoga even though it was about 20 degrees. Rebecca told me that Coleen wasn’t mad but more like frustrated with my state and wanted me to “get going” with things. I took that to mean “get going” with receiving Reiki better, with getting over her and with moving into my new newness. Don’t lose traction. Don’t go backwards. Don’t hold on to what’s no longer there.
That’s my lesson. Everything I was distraught about had to do with not letting go of Coleen. The phone, the phone number, the cards, the two months, the emotions. My truth is I will never get over losing her. My truth is also that she’s gone. I will never be with her like I was for the past 33 years. But she can be remembered without being mourned. She told Rebecca that. Rebecca told me. I got the message and I’m doing much better.
Girls are smarter than boys. Everybody knows that. *
* Coleen Jones, many, many times during our wonderful life together
I learned today at reiki that Coleen’s not really gone, she’s just wearing different clothes now. She’s still with me but in a much different way. She’s on a different plane but still able to help guide me.
I learned today from Rebecca at reiki a new theory on why people die and it’s for one of two different reasons. One is they they were unable to achieve their purpose here and gave up. The second reason is that they were successful in achieving their purpose and because of that, were ready to leave. I believe it’s possible Coleen had done that. She had impacted, healed and helped people, inspired them. Coleen knew that she couldn’t do more by staying but could still make a difference if she wasn’t here. Her passing has produced many changes in me and perhaps I will be able to make a difference in others.
I learned today at reiki that when Rebecca puts her hands on my chest and holds them there, I can feel Coleen. And today when she did that I saw brilliant shades of fushia swimming through my head. Fushia was Coleen’s favorite color before she passed.
I learned today that I am being enlightened a little more every day, sometimes without even noticing. Little things like seeing and hearing with greater clarity. Sometimes it seems as if I am looking at everything through freshly cleaned windows. And hearing sound as if it’s coming through brand new speakers. I am creating a new Rob and the increased awareness is a big part of that. The more I notice and recognize, the stronger and more helpful I can be to myself and people around me.
I learned today that people are going to start noticing me more because of my experience, knowledge and awareness. Maybe in a way similar to how Coleen was such a magnet for people to gather around. Maybe in a way totally different than that.
I learned today in reiki that my body, my vessel, can be completely seperated from my mind. It can sink into the softness of the bed on which I lie while my mind thinks of nothing yet is aware of all. My senses so aware of sound, fragrance, feeling and light. My breath a wave rising and lowering inside me while I think of nothing but the moment.
I learned today from Deepak Chopra in meditation that love is like water; it becomes stagnant if it is not flowing.
I learned today after reiki that my throat chakra is very strong allowing for creativity and communication. I learned that when I unknowingly chose the throat chakra bracelet from an assortment offered me by Rebecca.
I learned again today that there is no such thing as coincidence when I ran into Barb, Coleen’s good freind and fellow cancer patient on my way out. Barb was on her way in and was Rebeccas’s next client. Barb and I have been trying to arrange a visit but have been unable to connect. Barb started seeing Rebecca for reiki healing after Coleen suggested it. Just like me.
I learned today and every day, that I am different than before. I might look and sound the same to most people but I am evolving into someone new. I’m not sure how acceptable that might be to some people but I know it opens new opportunities for me.
And I learned from myself that if it’s true that people die for one of those two reasons mentioned before, then there must be something in store for me. I don’t think I’ve accomplished yet what I am supposed to and I’m not leaving until I do.
Everything that I have read and heard about grief, says that the holidays are the hardest times. I know that Halloween is not an official holiday. But except for my birthday, it’s the first signature day that I will spend without Coleen.
At our house and with Coleen, Halloween was more that just giving candy to some kids we didn’t know. It was an occassion and another opportunity for Coleen to wear her party planning hat. It might have been as simple as designing costumes for our kids when they were little, or not so little, or planning a costume party at our house, but she was always active this time of year. She bought the candy and decorations and carved the pumpkins. I usually had to start by opening the top and scraping out the inside, but she would be the artist, designing different faces and carving cats and things in them. On the porch with the candles inside, we had the best looking pumpkins on the street.
When the trick-or-treating started, Coleen preferred to kind of stay in the background. She knew I liked to hand out the candy and tease some of the kids, so she gave me that role. We had found some corny Halloween riddles and she thought it was funny when I asked the kids a question like “Why do witches ride on brooms?” (Because vaccuum cleaners are too heavy!) Coleen loved to see how the kids would react to my silliness. I think she laughed more than any of them did.
One year we had a combination graduation party/Halloween party when Lindsay graduated from college. Coleen rented a hall, took care of the food, guest list, basically everything except the music which was she always subcontracted to me. Her costume was “Cat’s Pajamas” and she was very cute with cat whiskers, ears and weraing a pair of flannel pajamas with slippers. I was a bearded lady.
We also had a houseful of strangely dressed adults one year for costumes, snacks, music and libations. In her planning, Coleen didn’t think that was enough so she hired a magician, too. That turned out to be a great idea. And speaking of her parties, although not a Halloweeem theme, we also hosted a Murder Mystery party with about eight other couples. She came up with idea and prepared the food. I did everything else. Coleen was very good at delegating work that supported her ideas. I was frequently one of the delegate-ees, which I usually complained about at first, but ultimately enjoyed doing. That Murder Mystery party ended up being legendary, by the way and people still talk about. “We’ll have to do that again,” they say. Well, not without Coleen we won’t.
Coleen’s go to costume was a gypsy which I loved because she was so sexy. I think she used that at least three times. One year we attended a friend’s party dressed as a pilot and flight attendant. She looked perfect in the part with a stewardess cap and a scarf around her neck. She even had a little tray with airline sized snacks and a glass of wine on it that she carried around with her. And of course that big smile of hers. So much fun. I couldn’t wait to get her home that night.
Although Coleen treated every one of her days like they were truly special, there were certain ones that she really lit up. Today is Halloween and it will always be one of her days to me. I have the decorations on the porch and bought the candy. And I’ll carve the pumpkin sometime late this afternoon just like she always did. And I’ll discover a new way, a new day to miss her.
Last night I attended a yoga class. It is a six week “Intro to Yoga” which I am taking for the second time. The first time I took this class it was given to me as a gift from Coleen. She always thought yoga would be good for me and of course, I was always reluctant to try it. The gift certificate had a way of forcing my hand and with that gentle persuasion of hers, Coleen got her message through to me.
Going there last night was a little strage for me. The studio, Healing Waters, was Coleen’s place. She took many classes there and made many friends including the owner and Coleen’s favorite instructor, Felicitas. Those two were of like minds and had much admiration for each other. Felicitas is the instructor for my Intro course and she is such a unique woman. She has a calmness and a peacefulness about her that is contagious to those she is with. Myself included.
By entering Healing Waters last night, I was entering a piece of Coleen’s world. I have been doing a lot of that in different ways. I have also found myself adopting some of her hablits, assuming some of her roles, her responsibilities. My daughter Lindsay said she is noticing how things are kind of shifting and people are redefining themselves to try to fill the massive void Coleen left us. I think that’s true of Lindsay and of myself but I can’t speak for many others.
Coleen was the matriarch of this family. She was it’s heart and it’s soul and her passing left much more than a void. To me it is more akin to a black hole in space. I don’t imagine that void will ever be filled. We might be able to mend some of the damage, to apply some bandages and maybe some emotional duct tape that will help. But none of us can ever be Coleen. She was much better at being Coleen than anyone else could ever come close to. She was at the center of things. Planning, guiding, counseling, advising, selecting holiday menus and vacation spots. She was the one everybody else deferred to. She was the one we all wanted to be with.
I have found myself shifting. I was never the patriarch nor do I necessarily want to be. In some ways my previous role might best be described as Coleen’s partner, her balance, security and foundation so she could be Coleen. I supported her, questioned her, challenged her, helped her and loved her. And she did all that for me. Now I can neither be those things nor receive those things and I have voids of my own to fill.
In some ways I think I am trying to fill them by taking on some of the roles of Coleen and even some of her lifestyle. There are certain things that are obvious as far as the day to day shopping, cleaning, laundry, cooking and changing the sheets. But other things maybe not so noticeable have been happening. My relationships with my children are different because their Mom is gone. I can’t replace her for them but I can be more attentive and be a better listener. I can try to offer the guidance and support Coleen did. I can make dinner sometimes. And I want to be a better grandfather to those two little girls who lost their Grandma and keep her memory alive in them.
I am doing some of the things she loved like reiki and yoga and massage therapy. I am trying to make some of her recipes and taking dinner to Lindsay’s house. I am encouraging (nagging) Patrick to get married or put himself in a place of greater opportunity or both. I am adopting some of Coleen’s habits and characteristics like making lists like she used to, going to Wegman’s more than once a week, rushing so I’m not late for things, reading more than one book at a time, having a messy bedrom but a perfect bed. Last week in Florida I wanted to buy some souveneirs for the granddaughters. On any other vacation we would have done that together and Coleen would have had better ideas than me. I bought them each little beach bags, tie-dyed t-shirts and a little conch shells. I think she would have approved.
I am changing and will contiue to do so. Some of my changes will help fill the void left from Coleen. But none of us can replace her and how she thought and what she did. She was the only one who could be Coleen.
