Sometime earlier this year I saw a concert announcement I was interested in. John Sebastian was a singer songwriter from the 60′s who I was always a big fan of and he was performing in my neighborhood at the Lancaster Opera House in November 2. Since it was about a 5 minute walk from our house, I asked Coleen to run over and get us tickets the next day.
Coleen called me from the Opera House that day. She was in the theater with the ticket clerk walking around looking at potential seats. They were trying to pick out the very best seats they could for that show and Coleen called to see if I had a preference. Leave it to her to get as much information, including a private tour, before making her decision. I said that I trusted her judgement and get something as close as possible. She bought F-18 and F-19 on the floor and seemed pretty happy with her choice and we were looking forward to the concert.
Well, Coleen didn’t get to November 2, you know. After her funeral service, I was talking to my old friend Mark who lives about 90 miles down I-90 from Buffalo. We were talking, as we frequently do, about seeing more of each other. I remembered about those John Sebastian tickets and asked him if he would like to come up for that. I was going to have an extra ticket.
He did come and that show was yesterday and we had a good time. Had a few beers before, saw the concert, met John Sebastian afterwards for an autograph, grabbed a sandwich and beer afterward.
During the show, even before during the day, I thought of Coleen. How could I not think of her? This was our kind of event. Custom made for Rob and Coleen. She would have loved it, singing along with the songs, smiling, observing, commenting on things I would have missed. Just being in that little theater with about 300 others, she would have lit up the place. At least to me she would have. I kept closing my eyes, thinking of her, trying not to cry. Thinking of her being in there just a few months earlier, trying on the seats so see which ones were going to be the best for us.
She did a great job. F-18 and F-19 were nearly perfect.
Things in my house have been slowly changing. I have not performed wholesale changes because for the most part, I am quite happy with this house. Coleen and I lived here for the last 26 years. We raised our family here and we each lived here longer than any other house in our lives. But the new reality is that it’s my house now.
I am very respectful of what this house is and has been and I’m very careful about making changes. I have changed some things, left others alone. Right now, my house is a combination of old and new.
The living room is unchanged except for the entertainment area where I have added some stereo equipment , higher fidelity, and some record albums. The dining room is the same except for the bookshelves. I have rearranged some books and added some prints from vacations we took. And of course, Coleen’s urn is there too.
The bathroom has a lot less product in it now. I don’t require much more than the basics to get by and have eliminated extra toothbrushes and hair products. Our bedroom is virtually the same as the last time Coleen was in it. A little less clutter maybe.
I converted Lindsay’s bedroom into a small office and I do much of my writing there. But I did that while Coleen was still here so that doesn’t count. Our third floor is also different since Patrick moved bit I’m not counting that either because that room has always changed.
That leaves the kitchen and that’s where the biggest changes have occurred. You would think that since the kitchen was Coleen’s domain, that room would have the smallest amount of change. But I seem to spend a lot of time here and it seems to be the room with the most to change. Coleen did a log of cooking and used a lot of equipment for that. I don’t plan on being as ambitious as her on that front so I have relocated some of that equipment to the basement where I know where it is but it’s never in the way.
I have rearranged some of the contents of the cabinets to make sense for a single guy or bachelor or widower or whatever it is that I am. And the layout and wall hangings are different. I moved a clock that Coleen hated, raised a light fixture that bugged her, put retirement party gifts on the wall where the clock was, made artwork from an old cutting board and the bumper sticker from her van and hung it on the wall, and rehung a wine cork collage that we took down with the old wallpaper. I moved the table back against the wall under the new artwork and it kind of looks like a bistro in here. I like it.
I’m certain to make more changes as I go. Not for the sake of change but for the sake of making things right for me. After all, it is my house now and if I want my kitchen to be a bistro, it’s up to me to do it.
The Breast Cancer Network of Western New York was holding their annual “Education Day” yesterday morning. Since Coleen had been a member of that organization, I had received a mailing with the details several weeks ago, after Coleen passed. I was intrigued with the prospect of attending but kept putting the flyer aside. I thought I would decide about going later. There were several reasons why I thought it was a good idea to be there. I would meet some of her acqauintances, I would meet people that I had not met, I would learn more about the disease that took her and ways of preventing it. They also had a speaker from a clean air organization that I was interested in hearing. And lastly, the MC was a woman named Melissa who was a local news anchor that I admire and I thought I might be able to meet her.
There was but one reason for me not to attend: I didn’t know if I belonged there. I anticipated that the audience would be mostly females who were breast cancer survivors and I was the surviving spouse of one of their sisters who lost her battle. Because of that, I was uncertain of my place there. But I made plans to be free that morning just in case I decided to go.
When I awoke, I was still undecided but started to prepare as if I was going to attend. I thought, “Well, let’s just keep getting ready until I talk myself out of going and see how far I get.” Which is what I did until I found myself showered, shaved, fed and dressed and eventually, sitting in the parking lot where the event was held. I realized then that I was probably going in and was further encouraged when I noticed Melissa walking through the parking lot on her way in. I suddenly felt very comfortable being there, that I had a purpose to be there, and that I would somehow be guided to that purpose. I went in and acted like I belonged.
And as it turned out, I did belong. I met and sat with a friendly couple named Sandy and Roy and we exchanged stories. I chatted with a woman named Chris who is a licensed social worker and the facillator of the support group Coleen was in. Chris told me about a program she is working on about metastatic breast cancer and we talked about how I could help her with that. As a husband who just lost his wife to that disease, I have the experience and knowledge that could help with such a program. Chris promised to contact me in the near future and I am very excited to be involved with that.
I also spoke with Sharon and Linda who are the co-directors of the Breast Cancer Network. They did not know Coleen all that well but recalled meeeting the two of us at a fundraiser held earlier this summer. They asked me if I would be interested in organizing a men’s group to help the spouses of survivors. I answered that I would be honored. I also engaged several other people, including that cute MC, Melissa, all with a level of confidence and awareness I had not felt before. I’m not sure that people were attracted to me so much, but nobody was scared off. And nobody seemed troubled by my circumstances, either. Most complemented me for attending.
In my journey, it has often been presented to me that I may have the ability to help others. That my experiences, my knowledge, my new awareness are all things that people would seek out. That I would become interesting to people. I still don’t know the workings of all that, but after yesterday, I am much more comfortable and accepting of that guidance.
One last thing and it’s about Melissa. I already knew she was married and about 30 years younger than me. She is also pregnant. But that’s OK, she’s still cute and I got to introduce myself to her and I’m not sure I would have done that in the past. Probably not because in the past, I would not have made it anywhere near that parking lot I found myself in.
I learned today at reiki that Coleen’s not really gone, she’s just wearing different clothes now. She’s still with me but in a much different way. She’s on a different plane but still able to help guide me.
I learned today from Rebecca at reiki a new theory on why people die and it’s for one of two different reasons. One is they they were unable to achieve their purpose here and gave up. The second reason is that they were successful in achieving their purpose and because of that, were ready to leave. I believe it’s possible Coleen had done that. She had impacted, healed and helped people, inspired them. Coleen knew that she couldn’t do more by staying but could still make a difference if she wasn’t here. Her passing has produced many changes in me and perhaps I will be able to make a difference in others.
I learned today at reiki that when Rebecca puts her hands on my chest and holds them there, I can feel Coleen. And today when she did that I saw brilliant shades of fushia swimming through my head. Fushia was Coleen’s favorite color before she passed.
I learned today that I am being enlightened a little more every day, sometimes without even noticing. Little things like seeing and hearing with greater clarity. Sometimes it seems as if I am looking at everything through freshly cleaned windows. And hearing sound as if it’s coming through brand new speakers. I am creating a new Rob and the increased awareness is a big part of that. The more I notice and recognize, the stronger and more helpful I can be to myself and people around me.
I learned today that people are going to start noticing me more because of my experience, knowledge and awareness. Maybe in a way similar to how Coleen was such a magnet for people to gather around. Maybe in a way totally different than that.
I learned today in reiki that my body, my vessel, can be completely seperated from my mind. It can sink into the softness of the bed on which I lie while my mind thinks of nothing yet is aware of all. My senses so aware of sound, fragrance, feeling and light. My breath a wave rising and lowering inside me while I think of nothing but the moment.
I learned today from Deepak Chopra in meditation that love is like water; it becomes stagnant if it is not flowing.
I learned today after reiki that my throat chakra is very strong allowing for creativity and communication. I learned that when I unknowingly chose the throat chakra bracelet from an assortment offered me by Rebecca.
I learned again today that there is no such thing as coincidence when I ran into Barb, Coleen’s good freind and fellow cancer patient on my way out. Barb was on her way in and was Rebeccas’s next client. Barb and I have been trying to arrange a visit but have been unable to connect. Barb started seeing Rebecca for reiki healing after Coleen suggested it. Just like me.
I learned today and every day, that I am different than before. I might look and sound the same to most people but I am evolving into someone new. I’m not sure how acceptable that might be to some people but I know it opens new opportunities for me.
And I learned from myself that if it’s true that people die for one of those two reasons mentioned before, then there must be something in store for me. I don’t think I’ve accomplished yet what I am supposed to and I’m not leaving until I do.
Everything that I have read and heard about grief, says that the holidays are the hardest times. I know that Halloween is not an official holiday. But except for my birthday, it’s the first signature day that I will spend without Coleen.
At our house and with Coleen, Halloween was more that just giving candy to some kids we didn’t know. It was an occassion and another opportunity for Coleen to wear her party planning hat. It might have been as simple as designing costumes for our kids when they were little, or not so little, or planning a costume party at our house, but she was always active this time of year. She bought the candy and decorations and carved the pumpkins. I usually had to start by opening the top and scraping out the inside, but she would be the artist, designing different faces and carving cats and things in them. On the porch with the candles inside, we had the best looking pumpkins on the street.
When the trick-or-treating started, Coleen preferred to kind of stay in the background. She knew I liked to hand out the candy and tease some of the kids, so she gave me that role. We had found some corny Halloween riddles and she thought it was funny when I asked the kids a question like “Why do witches ride on brooms?” (Because vaccuum cleaners are too heavy!) Coleen loved to see how the kids would react to my silliness. I think she laughed more than any of them did.
One year we had a combination graduation party/Halloween party when Lindsay graduated from college. Coleen rented a hall, took care of the food, guest list, basically everything except the music which was she always subcontracted to me. Her costume was “Cat’s Pajamas” and she was very cute with cat whiskers, ears and weraing a pair of flannel pajamas with slippers. I was a bearded lady.
We also had a houseful of strangely dressed adults one year for costumes, snacks, music and libations. In her planning, Coleen didn’t think that was enough so she hired a magician, too. That turned out to be a great idea. And speaking of her parties, although not a Halloweeem theme, we also hosted a Murder Mystery party with about eight other couples. She came up with idea and prepared the food. I did everything else. Coleen was very good at delegating work that supported her ideas. I was frequently one of the delegate-ees, which I usually complained about at first, but ultimately enjoyed doing. That Murder Mystery party ended up being legendary, by the way and people still talk about. “We’ll have to do that again,” they say. Well, not without Coleen we won’t.
Coleen’s go to costume was a gypsy which I loved because she was so sexy. I think she used that at least three times. One year we attended a friend’s party dressed as a pilot and flight attendant. She looked perfect in the part with a stewardess cap and a scarf around her neck. She even had a little tray with airline sized snacks and a glass of wine on it that she carried around with her. And of course that big smile of hers. So much fun. I couldn’t wait to get her home that night.
Although Coleen treated every one of her days like they were truly special, there were certain ones that she really lit up. Today is Halloween and it will always be one of her days to me. I have the decorations on the porch and bought the candy. And I’ll carve the pumpkin sometime late this afternoon just like she always did. And I’ll discover a new way, a new day to miss her.
